Rollo May’s “Love and Will”

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Existentialism is a philosophic idea that implies presenting a man as initially neutral, but who has to decide whether to be good or evil by him/herself. In other words, existentialism emphasizes an individual and his or her freedom of choice. Existentialism emerged in the nineteenth century and was applied to the works of Literature, Arts, Theology, and Psychology. The philosophy of existentialism lies in the assertion that existence precedes essence. According to it, individuals live in a world of their own subjectivity, in a world of absurd. Existentialists believed that people are what they become, that destiny is not prescribed to an individual from his/her birthday, but a man shapes the destiny by means of behavior and his/her own thoughts.

One of the representatives of American Psychology existentialism was Rollo May who introduced European existentialism in his works. In his works, may try to convey the idea that an individual should find meaning in life in order to feel happy.

May stressed that people “have great freedom to choose how they will live their lives once they have arrived” (Blake L. Jones, 1999). In the book “The Springs of Creative Living: A Study of Human Nature and God”, he explained the meaning of healthy religion in the following way:

“Call it confidence with the universe, trust in God, belief in one’s fellow-men, or whatnot, the essence of religion is the belief that something matters—the presupposition that life has meaning” (Paul R. Minnillo).

There were also several terms that May focused on in his works on Psychology:

Intentionality – the way of overcoming the dichotomy between subject and object.
Normal and Neurotic Anxiety – normal anxiety occurs when the conditions are inevitable; neurotic anxiety is the emotions leading to the intense feeling of guilt.
Values – if they are mature, they help an individual to deal with reality.
Psychotherapy – the main purpose is to help a client find his/her meaning in life, to actualize his/her potentials.
Normal and neurotic guilt – normal guilt comes when one does not live in correspondence with his/her potential as a human being. Normal guilt can be used creatively if it is identified and consciously abated by appropriate action. Neurotic guilt is the effect of giving up and taking no risks in order to grow and expand self (Paul R. Minnillo, 2009).
Human Dilemma –people can view themselves as both subjects and objects, and human dilemma lies in the fact that they have to decide whether to respond to stimuli or not.

In the interview with Dr. Jeffrey Mishlove., Rollo May explains the heart of the human dilemma in the following way:

“We are conscious of our own selves, our own tasks, and also we know we’re going to die. Man is the only creature — men, women, and children sometimes even, are the only creatures who can be aware of their death, and out of that comes normal anxiety. When I let myself feel that, then I apply myself to new ideas, I write books, I communicate with my fellows. In other words, the creative interchange of human personality rests upon the fact that we know we’re going to die. Of that the animals and the grass and so on know nothing. But our knowledge of our death is what gives us normal anxiety that says to us, “Make the most of these years you are alive.” And that’s what I’ve tried to do” (Jeffrey Mishlove).

Thus, we can assume that according to Rollo May, the heart of human dilemma lies in turning neurotic anxiety into normal anxiety by choosing the way that a man considers to be the right one for him/her.

In the book “Love and Will”, Rollo May considers the human dilemma through the union of love and will, their source, and interrelation. He affirms love and will that once helped us overcome life challenges have become a problem for us these days. When people reach the age of maturity, they lose the meaning of love and will that makes them feel uncertain about making some decisions. As a result, apathy emerges and it eats people from the inside. However, according to May, no matter how justified the feeling of apathy is, people should search for a new foundation, for a new source of energy, and it can be found by means of uniting love and will.

“If apathy or affectlessness is a dominant mood emerging in our day, we can understand on a deeper level why love and will have become so difficult” (Rollo May, 2007).

In one of his lectures, May expresses his idea of love:

“In love, there is a simultaneous and mutual intermingling of projection and identification on both sides, which paralyzes the exaggerated manifestations of a too far-teaching projection or identification, respectively, leading to neurotic reactions” (Otto Rank, Robert Kramer, Rollo May, 1996).

In “Love and Will”, May distinguishes 4 forms of love that he associates with their different manifestations.

Sex or something that is commonly known as the lust of libido. Sex was regarded by Rollo May as a root of inescapable biology, which these days have become meaningless too for almost all Western people.
Eros – love as an endeavor for reproduction or creativity that according to ancient Greeks, was the most perfect form of interrelations between people. May considered eros to be art, passion, and imagination.
Philia, or fraternal relationship which is:
“The relaxation in the presence of the beloved which accepts the other’s being as being; it is simply liking to be with the other, liking to rest with the other, liking the rhythm of the walk, the voice, the whole being of the other” (May, Rollo, 2007).
Agape – the prototype of which is God’s love to people. May defines agape in the following way:
“Agape is the esteem for the other, the concern for the other’s welfare beyond any gain that one can get out of it; disinterested love, typically, the love of God for man” (May, Rollo, 2007).

Human love is the mix of all four forms of love

However, if we take a deeper look at the interrelations between sex and love these days, we will find ourselves in a whirl of contradictions and paradoxes. One of such paradoxes is that people cannot find harmony between love and sex. They broke up the interconnection between these two notions. While liberalizing the sexual sphere, people do not notice that the unrestricted freedom of choice that they got is not freedom either but rather promoting the intensification of the contradictions within the inner world of every individual. As a result of failing to identify sex within the framework of love, more and more people complain about frigidity and the absence of any feelings while having sex. Thus, May aimed to raise the question of alternative (positive as well as negative) – whether humane characteristics of people should be eliminated or rehabilitated.

One more paradox of love according to May is that every individual tries to assert him/herself while being in close relations with a man or woman. May regards this to be neurotic anxiety or the manifestation of “demonic”. In one of the interviews, May says:

“There always will be some element of evil in anybody’s assertion. There’s no way of avoiding that” (John M. Whiteley, 1985).

He believes that such a desire to assert personal “self” leads to the siccation of feelings that usually yields to apathy. However, in order to harmonize relations with a partner, one should be able not only to take the best from the partner but also be ready to give it.

In “Love and Will”, May gives an example of lack of will. His old friend met him and told him about the events that disturb him much. His children blamed him for all the life problems they had. The essence of their claims lied in the fact that their father is irresolute and cannot take a firm position in making decisions. The man had rather a tender character with a rich imagination. While listening to his story, May discovered that almost every patient of his is in the same situation. He or she is confused about for inability to become firmly established. Thus, May regards will be an “ability to organize oneself in order to achieve one’s goal” (Boerre, George, 2006). Such quality of will makes it identical to ego and reality-testing. May asserts that in some way, a will is the manifestation of “demonic” that can potentially be a part of an individual’s character.

Rollo May consumes that the traditional bases of our ability to use will and make decisions are irretrievably ruined. The paradox and, probably, the tragedy of this fact is that these days any decision we make becomes crucial and can change our destiny cardinally. Besides, people do not find new sources to restore their will. In contrast to the Victorian era, people cannot decide whether to do or not to do something:

“Now it is no longer a matter of deciding what to do, but of deciding how to decide. The very basis of the will itself is thrown into question” (May, Roll, 2007).

May asserts that the main paradox of will lies in the fact that being powerful enough, a person becomes imprisoned into his/her own doubts and hesitations. Every individual is sure that a contemporary man can everything, but in the same time, an individual is also helpless and consumed with his own doubts. Thus, according to May, the reasons for the crisis of will lie not in presence or absence of power in the world of an individual. The crisis emerges in result of contradictions between them that yields to paralysis of will.

Love and will are conjunctive and joining forms of anxiety. In other words, love as well as will is the way of organization, formation, and orientation in relation to world and an attempt of an individual to seek response from the partner whose love or interest he/she wants to seek. Love and will are interpersonal feelings giving rise to power that makes essential influence on others.

The interconnection of love and will is demonstrated by the fact that both lose the power if they are not balanced; each of them can block the other one. Will can block love, and vice versa. There are lots of examples of will blocking love, and May gives one of them in his book “Love and Will”. One of May’s acquaintances was called “the cruelest son of a bitch in Europe”, since the firm will that helped him solve all his problems served him as a means of blocking his feelings. Love blocking will is rather typical in the modern society. The loving parents block their own will when trying to be devoted to their children. Love, standing apart from will or love divergent from will is characterized by passiveness which becomes stronger if mixed with passion. That is why such love leads to abhesion.

Rollo May believes that the main purpose of an individual is to unite love and will. What is more, they cannot be united in result of spontaneous biological growing up but should be a part of our conscious development. The union of love and will can be experienced when many times ago people practiced Zen meditation or its Hindu variation. Such an experience caused appease ecstasy, blissful feeling that the universe has accepted you entirely. However, in the modern society, will has a tendency to contradict love. People of today have a new consciousness with a new will that can help them unite will and love. Will should come to the rescue in order to create a new level of existence, to make independence and respect possible. That is why the union of love and will is so important. Will comes in order to make a new foundation for mature love. Thus, a man is responsible for his/her own actions and choice. A man faces a new psychological goal – to create new interrelations between people that will be characterized by the ability to make a choice and conscious construction of these attachments. May talks about the union of love and will as not about the state that is created automatically but as our mission, and it will become our achievement in the extend in which this mission is fulfilled. If we people do it, then, according to May, they will unite love and will properly, and this union will point out maturity, integration, and integrity of people.

Thus, the basic concept of May Rollo’s psycho-analysis of human dilemma lies in necessary claim for an individual to make a choice, feel, and replace today’s trends that turn people into passive. May aims to explain that a man is a creative interpreter of situations and an inventor of new alternatives. May does not help much in answering questions like “what alternatives does a man create?” or “which alternatives should be taken or thrown?”. He expresses his unrest as for the values that are handed down by society to an individual. He sees the dilemma in inability to solve the relation between the subject and object (Gendlin, E.T, 1967). As he tells us, freedom is “not the opposite of determinism. It is the individual’s capacity to know that he is the determined one, to throw his weight, however slight it may be, on the side of one particular response among several possible ones.”

May’s idea of the union of love and will is a significant contribution into development of American existential psychology of XXth century. In the book “Love and Will”, May gave a comprehensive explanation to the significance of the union of love and will, thus, he introduced the problems that many American people are confronting today. Definitely, the book helps people realize the dilemma they face and hint certain solution to this dilemma. May revealed the secret of this dilemma by asserting that people “have thirst for something authentic, but they often don’t know themselves well enough to even know what they want” (Jennifer McAndrew, 2009). He tried to explain that if an individual manages to unite love and will and keep balance between them, his/her challenge will certainly be overcome.

References

C. George Boeree. (2006). Rollo May. Web.

Clement Reeves, Rollo May. (1977). The Psychology of Rollo May: A Study in Existential Theory and Psychotherapy. Jossey-Bass Publishers

Gendlin, E.T. (1967). Review of the book “Psychology and the human dilemma”. Web.

James J. Clark. (1999). Being in the World: The Existentialist Psychology of Rollo May. Web.

Jeffrey Mishlove. The Human Dilemma With Rollo May, Ph.D. Web.

Jennifer McAndrew. (2009) From Freud to Dr. Phil, scholars analyze the rise of psychotherapy in America. Web.

John M. Whiteley. (1985) Evil Is a Problem for All of Us. Web.

Otto Rank, Robert Kramer, Rollo May. (1996). A Psychology of Difference: The American Lectures. Princeton University Press.

Paul R. Minnillo. The Existential Theories of Rollo May. Web.

Rollo May. (2007) Love and Will. W. W. Norton & Company, Incorporated.

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Rollo May’s “Love and Will”

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