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For many people, being together with another person is important. The vision of a perfect couple, when two partners are equally committed to maintaining the relationship is displayed as a norm in many cultures. However, in reality, a relationship is not always without flaws. Some people may see a relationship through the prism of their desires and judgments. If taken too far, some of these thoughts may lead to a person becoming obsessive. Author Jonh D. Moore (2010) explores the topic of stepping over the border between affection and obsession in his book Confusing Love with Obsession. The purpose of this paper is to explore the main characters of this book, define the types of obsessive love proposed by the author and evaluate the knowledge this book can give to its readers.
Love Style of the Characters
Some scientists distinguish relationships by comparing them to multiple styles of loving, a theory presented by John Alan Lee (Miller, 2014). According to this idea, there are six types of love, and each type has apparent characteristics and traits. The first three types: eros, ludus, and storge are identified as primary types of love (Miller, 2014). Eros is characterized by passion and desire to establish a strong physical and emotional connection with a partner. Ludus, on the other hand, incorporates the refusal to commit to a relationship in any way, limiting intimacy and emotional connection to a minimum. The last primary type, storge, resembles familial love. This type of love is expected to gradually appear after a long period of time on the basis of already developed friendship.
There are also three secondary types of love: agape, pragma, and mania. First of all, agape is a form of altruistic love, where a person enjoys caring for a partner, while not expecting the same level of commitment in return. Secondly, relationships built on practicality and logic fall under the category of pragma. Pragmatic love is cooperative, as it promotes comfort and agreement for both sides of a relationship. Lastly, mania is a type of love filled with expectations from one partner towards another. It is often followed by feelings of anxiousness and jealousy and may lead to one of the partners becoming possessive or manipulative.
Mania can describe the relationships presented in the book Confusing Love with Obsession. Main characters of the story have different experiences with their partners. However, all of these heroes have the same number of characteristics in regards to their relationships. They are possessive, either through controlling their partners or demanding their excessive attention. Secondly, the main characters tend to think about their relationship as a necessity to live. The thoughts about their partners fill the minds of the heroes to the extent of not being able to think about anything else. Main characters expect their partners to have the same level of affection and thus they may demand undivided attention, which is also a trait of manic love.
Association with the Characters
While it is clear, that associating somebody with one of the main characters or their partners means admitting that this person likely was in an obsessive relationship, there is a person that, in my opinion, would identify with one of the stories. One of my acquaintances experienced having such a relationship in high school. In that situation, he could most likely identify with Stacy, Chris’s first girlfriend. Similar to Stacy’s situation, my friend was in a relationship with a girl, who gradually became more and more controlling. She would call multiple times a day to ask where he is and what he is doing. Moreover, she would get angry at him wanting to spend time alone or with his friends. My friend started to feel as if he was being followed and became restless. His girlfriend was unhappy and anxious, especially after they broke up.
While in the book Chris’s actions may look irrational to some people, there is a reason for his actions. His desire to be loved came from childhood and his relationship with his mother. Trying to find a substitute for those feelings that he did not receive is a feasible reaction. Looking at the situation from a different perspective, it is clear that this type of relationship brings discomfort and distress to both partners. One side is suffering from obtrusive thoughts about his or her partner and the relationship, while the other side is growing weary from excessive attention.
Characteristics of the Obsessive Love Wheel
In the book Confusing Love with Obsession, Moore (2010) introduces the Obsessive Love Wheel, a chart that displays various stages or types of obsessive love. There are four stages: attraction, anxious, obsession, and distraction. These stages may evolve into one another, turning a relationship more and more unstable. The first stage can be described as an immediate attraction of one person to another. This type of attraction can be purely physical or emotional, depending on a person. These instantaneous feelings cloud the person’s judgment, as he or she wants to establish an intimate relationship almost immediately, without accounting for the feelings of the love interest. During this stage, some individuals start to romanticize the personality of the object of their affection or focus solely on physical traits. According to Moore (2010), this stage usually occurs in the very beginning of a relationship.
The next stage, anxious, is defined by the feeling of fear. If occurs after the establishment of the relationship, where both partners voluntarily or involuntarily express commitment to each other. The person who suffers from obsessive love begins to question their partner’s fidelity, possibly suspecting or accusing him or her of adultery. Afflicted person may feel the need to be constantly present in a partner’s life by contacting them multiple times during the day and possibly following them or participating in the same activities. The third phase is called obsession, in which an individual’s feelings of mistrust grow exponentially. An afflicted person performs more activities to monitor the everyday life of a love interest. Relationally dependent individuals try to manipulate their partners through emotional abuse, money or other points of control. This stage is characterized by extreme levels of distrust from one partner that is based on a fear of the other partner ending the relationship. Usually, relationships end during this stage (Moore, 2010).
Destruction is the last stage of the Obsessive Love Wheel. It occurs after the end of a relationship, and it is connected to an afflicted person feeling devastated and lost. Relationally dependent persons may deny the end of the relationship or feel vengeful towards their partner or somebody who is involved in the breakup. Moreover, afflicted individuals often blame themselves for other reasons, rather than for being manipulative and controlling. The four stages described above progress through the course of a relationship at various speeds, depending on an individual.
Gained Knowledge
This book does more than discussing the difference between love and addiction. The author also shows real life examples of relationships and people, who are affected by them. The readers observe these types of relationships from the afflicted person’s point of view, which lets them see a topic from a different perspective. It was surprising to learn that there are many types of obsessive behavior and that they all can be described in a number of stages. It is also important to see, that many people, who are afflicted by relation dependency, are not aware of possible consequences of their actions. Many of those people start manipulating their partners unintentionally, and over time the urge to control can only grow stronger without them realizing it. Moreover, the author makes a point that recovery from obsessive love is a long and complicated process with no definite ending. However, the author ensures that there is a way to escape the loop of obsessive love.
Conclusion
The book Confusing Love with Obsession follows the stories of men and women that experience relation dependency and confuse their feelings with affection. It explores the notion of mania, the type of love characterized by possessiveness and anxiousness. Although the characters of the book come from diverse backgrounds and behave in different ways, they are bound by the same problem. All in all, a new perspective showing the lives of people overcome with obsessive feelings is an interesting and important way of looking at the problem of love addiction.
References
Miller, R. (2014). Intimate relationships (7th ed.). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Education.
Moore, J. (2010). Confusing love with obsession: When being in love means being in control. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
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