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The president of the United States of Enlighten-ica gives a speech about combating terrorism and putting an end to it once and for all. He makes a brilliant proposal to solve the problem of terrorism and to help democracy prevail. He first highlights all the benefits of the plan and then he tells the audience about the plan and how exactly it will be implemented.
It’s Sunday morning in a land far more enlightened than the rest of the world, henceforth, giving the country the proud name, ‘The United States of Enlighten-ica’. All the enlightened people of the country have gathered around the television to hear and watch a special broadcast of what the enlighteners in the ‘black house’ have to say, especially one particular enlightener. This enlightener has just broken out into a rap:
Yooo
Kupuh chukuh kuhhh, kupuh chukuh kuhhh
Check this out yo
Im da real enlightnuh
Yes, I’m da real enlighnuh
All the other enlighten are just enlighten bashing
And all these terrorists be attacking
So I got the real plan, the fo-real plan
To stop all this enlightened bashing
Kupuh chukuh kuhh, kupuh chukuh kuh
Momentary silence is penetrated in all of Enlighten-ica.
“Heyyy yall, wassup all my E’s, how yall be doing,” the enlightener segues into talking mode keeping the flavor alive, and carries on with his ‘formal plan.
“We the enlightened people care deeply about all the other people of the world, and to give the rest of the world a chance to be as enlightened as we are, we must give them the gift of Democracy. Buctchyasee, Terrorism is the greatest threat to democracy so we must combat terrorism, or die tryin’.
The Afghans and the Iraqi’s are our biggest problem. We the enlightened E’s must bring down all the terrorist G’s. I have a great friend by the name of Snoop Smith and he modestly suggested a brilliant proposal to me. I couldn’t ignore his idea because it was a solution to all our problems. It offered a brilliant way to completely end terrorism. If anyone offers such a brilliant plan to put an end to terrorism, and it is nothing like what Machiavelli would ever even think of, how could I not implement it? This brilliant plan offers a solution to the current recession we are in by placing a brilliant product on the E supermarket shelves and gives us an opportunity to end terrorism once and for all. When a golden opportunity like this presents itself it is hard for us to ignore it and not take immediate measures to start implementation. Starting today, we have informed all our E’s in Iraq and Afghanistan to start cremating the carcasses of all the G’s who have tried to come in the way of democracy. I have another great friend, a scientist, who recently discussed with me the presence of a chemical in all the G’s bodies.
This chemical was injected into the G’s when they were not bejeweled with the gift of democracy by the Gangstuh-light’s to track down all the G’s even after they had died. The chemical acts like magnets towards other G’s who have the chemical present in their body as well. The chemical reaction of the interaction of two G’s with the chemical present in their system is instant death. After listening to this brilliant insight and keeping in mind the proposal made by my friend Snoop Smith, I came up with a product called ‘Terro-blast’. Terro-blast is going to be produced using the ashes of all the bad G’s since the chemical is still detectable after death. The bottles will be available for purchase in the United States of Enlighten-ica and the rest of the world in one week. With this bottle, all the people of the world will be able to take part in combating terrorism. With this bottle, all you will have to do is spray the person you suspect of being a G with your bottle of ‘Terro-blast’! If the suspect is G chemical positive the reaction will take place immediately. I encourage you to collect all the G carcasses because they will help in producing more Terro-blast. The E with the most carcasses at the end of each month will receive the ‘Nobel Terrorism Prize’.
The time has come, to finish all the G’s, to put an end to terrorism, combat terrorism till it’s dead completely, or die tryin’!”
The kinds of humor that are used:
- exaggeration- It offered a brilliant way to completely end terrorism. If anyone offers such a brilliant plan to put an end to terrorism, and it is nothing like what Machiavelli would ever even think of, how could I not implement it? This brilliant plan offers a solution to the current recession we are in by placing a brilliant product……..
- situational irony- the G before democracy intervened in his country inserted a chemical into his people’s body so he could track them, but when democracy comes in the chemical he invented to keep track of his people, ends up being the demise of his people
- verbal irony- the united states of America is the enlightened states of America and G’s are the gangsters and the enlightener, the president of the enlightened people breaks out into gangster rap
- humor through mimicry- when the president raps in the black house, kind of mimics Eminem, a white guy trying to be a black guy, and just like Eminem was successful in real life, the president is meant to be successful with his proposal in the imaginary essay
- paradox- the proposal, in real terms, is a paradox, but it makes great humor!
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