Divorce of parents is one of the most painful and stressful situations in the life of every child. Divorce does not necessarily demonstrate personal failure, of course. In many cases, it is a courageous and healthy step forward in life. Many divorcing parents need to become more forgiving of themselves and allow themselves to be humanly imperfect. The true measure of people is not how often they stumble or make mistakes but how they recover afterward. For a young child, divorce means the loss of family— the entity that provides a child with support, stability, security, and continuity in an often unpredictable world.
A child can be sad and felt a deep sense of loss—of family, security, even my daily routines, and family traditions. As a child, a person feels responsible and blamed himself for his parents’ divorce. A variety of explanations has been put forward for these findings. Some have argued that disorder, or some factor related to disorder, influences marital status rather than vice versa (Luck 92). Compared to peers, members of disadvantaged groups might appraise stressful encounters as more harmful or threatening, or they might possess limited coping resources (compare financial resources) or deficient coping skills. A related possibility, of course, is that groups reporting relatively more distress may experience some deficiency of social support process. Coping and social support represents an important sphere for exploring vulnerabilities to stressors that appear to underlie social findings (Regan 43).
Self-blame and stress can lead to psychological disorders and traumas. To avoid these problems, parents should anticipate or think ahead about their likely responses during these difficult conversations. By doing so, parents could better manage their sadness, guilt, and other feelings that made it more difficult to respond to their children’s feelings and reactions. Even though these conversations were hard, parents and children alike adjust better if these topics that everyone wanted to avoid could be talked about and made overt (Jacobson 82). For a young child, maintaining network relationships may become difficult as stressors diminish a person’s contribution to the relationship or increase the perceived costs to the network member. Rather they reflected rejection and isolation by others who saw them as deviant and unlikely to reciprocate help, as well as deficits or reluctance on the part of the neglectful mothers themselves. Sadly, there was some evidence from this study that the neglected children, too, maybe stigmatized, being seen as inappropriate playmates by mothers of their neighborhood peers. Researchers found that many who had suffered a prolonged separation from their mother during infancy seemed well adjusted. Those who were maladjusted had experienced a particular kind of family breakup, namely, due to divorce in the family (Jacobson 92). Such experiences in themselves could be disturbing to the young child, over and above the separation. Therefore, perhaps the particular circumstance of separation is the factor that gives rise to permanent emotional damage, and not so much the mere fact of separation (Bonannan 51).
In sum, divorce is a painful process for every young child. Separation is traumatic for a young child, but perhaps there is scope for emotional repair when normal family life resumes in many cases. Evidently, early deprivation of attachment bonds had the expected damaging effect in some respects. However, only one of the children who had been institutionalized truanted, stole and committed other anti-social acts. Although separation of parents can have a devastating effect on the child’s emotional development and further emotional growth. From the personal experience of my friend, I know that a child suffers greatly when parents separated and blame himself all adult life in the divorce. For many children, it is difficult to accept a new mother or a father, so they reject and resist new romantic relations with their parents.
Works Cited
Regan M. C. Jr. Alone Together: Law and the Meanings of Marriage. Oxford University Press, 1999.
Because of the difficulties that the children of the modern society are experiencing in the family relationships, most of these children, according to the recent researches, are bound to suffer from the complexes that root from the past during the rest of their lives.
Since the situation has the tendency to spread wider, there is no doubt that it has to be dealt with. With the modern technologies and methods of curing the psychological traumas, it can be suggested that the problems of the children of divorce can be solved, but the numerous theories require a thorough verification.
The Overview of the Environment in Which the Children of Divorce Live
The most recent research show the great increase in the number of divorces across the world, which is mostly due to the shift of the values in the consciousness of the modern society:
The rising divorce rate and the growing number of children whose parents divorced since the 1970s reflected wider social changes and created a shift in the perception and social acceptance of divorce (Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. & Greenbaum, 2009, p. 30).
With regard to the above-mentioned situation, the number of the children that have suffered from the parental divorce has grown sufficiently. It must be taken into consideration that every single child that has experienced his or her parents’ parting is psychologically traumatized and needs certain time to get accustomed to the new environment, although this issue often passes unnoticed by the parents.
Since a single-parent family is no longer a tendency, it is needless to say that getting accustomed to the new family also requires time for the child: “Indeed, many parents have remarried and some children in fact live in quardaparent families” (Pfeifer, G. & Abrams, A., 1984, p. 22).
The Difficulties That Children Survive through the Divorce of the Parents
The Problems that the Children of Divorce Face
Among one of the strongest effects that the parental divorce has on the children the process of relocation and its aftereffects is the most notorious. It leads to the quick changes in the family image which has been formed in the child’s mind. Such changes can trigger the severe depression and even neurosis.
The sense of security and stability, which is the main condition for the child’s psychological health, collapses as the family is ruined.
According to Grindes’s (1998) remark, “The two people upon whom the child is dependent are no longer equally accessible to the child and the foundation of the child’s world is splintered.” (p. 119). Thus, the parting of the parents marks the beginning of the process that leads to the moral instability of the child.
In addition to the problem that has been described above, there is another issue that threatens the child of divorce. Since most families do not part peacefully, the scandals of the parents have a harmful effect on the child’s psyche.
Walker (2004) emphasizes that “Conflict-ridden families, either within marriage or post-divorce, create the most difficult environment for the well-being of children, as well as for adults.” (p. 273). It is a well-known fact that the children of divorce are more vulnerable than the other children and that they need a specific approach.
In the most difficult cases, when the child is subdued to the maltreatment of the stepparent, the child abuse can be continuous, since the shock of the divorce can result in the depression and indifference. Faller (1999) warns that the consequences can be tragic:
Children may cope with the abuse as well as the divorce and its aftermath. They may experience continued abuse when the allegation is not believed because it arose in the context of divorce. (166)
The parents must be aware of the threats that the child of divorce faces, otherwise they will not be able to help the child to recover from the shock of the divorce. The child’s psychological health must be their prior concern.
The Possible Suggestions for Solving the Problems: The Recommendations
As it has turned out, the most important step that the divorcing parents can take is to control their emotions. As the parents mistreat each other, the child starts worrying, for his or her world is literally shaking. It seems absurd and scary that what yesterday seemed so stable and firm now is wretched and torn apart.
The breach in the parents’ relationships scares the child, and the fear can result in psychological problems. Faller (1999) explains this phenomenon in the following way:
Parents are often filled with anger and desolation because of the failed marriage. These effects spill over into their relationships with professionals concerned about the abuse allegations and into their relationships with children. (p. 167)
As Gottmann (1997) says, “Love by itself isn’t enough” (p. 16). It is not enough for the child merely to know that he or she is loved and appreciated, because he or she has to feel the presence of this love. Otherwise, there will be no effect of the parents’ attempts to calm down the scared child.
The parental alienation that Warshak (2003) is talking about is not to take place. On no account should the child feel the responsibility for the parents’ divorce. There is a stringent necessity to assure the child that the events that take place in the parents’ life are not the fault of his or hers, and to maintain this assurance.
The recent research shows that the pain of losing the touch with a parent subsides if both divorcees are willing to assist the child. Cooperating to solve the problem, parents are able to make the recovery process faster. Gindes (1998) suggests the following practice:
Living a few minutes apart enables the nonresidential parent to continue to be involved in the children’s lives in a more spontaneous way. The parent can attend school functions as well as pick children up at school. Older children may be able to visit on their own, and “dropping by for a visit” is also possible. (p. 123)
Applied with the necessary diligence and love to the child, the suggested technique is bound to help. Whatever shapes the conflict can take, the problems of the child must be prior to the parents. It is only after the child recovers that the adults can turn to solving their own ones.
Using the New Techniques and Approaches to Help the Children of Divorce
The Existing Parenting Techniques and Approaches to Help the Children of Divorce
Although it has been presumed by most people that the therapy for the children of divorce must be conducted with help of both parents, the recent researches show that there is no need in it.
A single parent is capable of helping the child to overcome the complexes as well, for the child needs only a subtle push to start the process of recovery. This idea suggested by Simon (1999) changed the traditional treatment of the divorce children into a completely new method.
Walker (1993) claims that Children who seem to cope best with and adjust to parental divorce are those who are able to retain a constructive and meaningful relationship with both parents, in families where conflict is minimized. (p. 275)
It has been recently suggested that the means of treatment called “play therapy” (Camastral 2008, p. 100) must be of good use for the children who have been suffering from the parents parting. The therapy is grounded on a completely new method of exploring the subconscious of the children without making them feel uncomfortable.
The idea is based on the game activities as one of the methods to learn about the child’s inner problems and complexes. Suggesting a new and efficient approach, the game therapy is one of the most successful ways to browse through the child’s mind as for today.
The behavioral and Adlerial theories of parenting (Roberts 1991) also emphasize the importance of both parents taking part in the child’s treatment: “A family education model for parenting would focus on the reciprocal relations among all family members” (p. 71)
The author of the method, S. Camastral, makes it obvious that the children of divorce need a specific approach that is aimed at helping them to get rid of their fear.
The fact that the fear of losing the parents blocks their consciousness is absolutely clear; thus, it becomes the main concern of Camastral to investigate the ways to eliminate it. And, since children have the ability to distract from the reality when playing, Camastral (2008) suggests that games should be the clue that will lead to the child’s subconscious:
Some children just laugh and feel relieved at the end of a session, not wanting to be bothered by integrative comments or questions. Others ask lots of questions and create new meaning from linking the ‘play’ story back to their lives. Either way, symbolic action in therapy can recreate the child’s realities and reshuffle his/her internal psychology in a meaningful, positive and creative way. (p. 101)
The Solution for the Family System Problems
Although the problem of the children of divorce seems to touch upon only a single side of the matter, which is the psychological health of the child, the solutions to this problem are hidden within the family relations in general. It must be admitted that the general atmosphere in the family affects the child even more than the parents themselves.
Hence the parents must remember that they have to respect the feelings of the child and not conflict openly, so that he or she could hear the parents arguing. The reasons for the family conflicts can root in every single sphere of the common life. In most cases the bone of discord is the financial question and the status of the head of the family who exercises the privilege to solve it, as Simon (1999) marks:
Usually, compared with her husband, the wife has less money she regards as her own and feels less entitled to set forth terms for the relationship. Typically, she has a greater stake in the survival of the marriage because divorce implies a greater financial, social, and parental burden on her than on him. (p. 27)
Such arguments presuppose that the parents have initially taken the wrong line of conduct to adhere to, and this has triggered the instability of the family. Children are the first to sense it, and as they do, they start panicking. The fear that grips them is the main reason for the various psychological disorders.
It must be also born in mind that the family problems have to be solved with help of all family members. Even after divorce and parting with a child the parent bears the responsibility for the child and his or her development, including its mental, physical and psychological aspects.
In other words, the treatment of the child that has been affected by the parental divorce is impossible if the child’s mother or father cannot participate in the process of treatment. Gindes (1998) expressed the following idea:
Children usually continue to consider both of their parents as part of their family, even following the parents’ separation or divorce. When children are asked to draw a picture of their family, they include both of their parents even if their parents have long been divorced. (p. 121)
Gindes’s idea gives certain insight on the processes that take place in the child’s mind. It clarifies the issue of a child’s neuroses and psychological disorders which occur after the parental divorce. Since a child associates the family with a solid piece that cannot be divided, the parental divorce as the child sees it can be compared to forced amputation.
Conclusion
In the light of everything that has been mentioned above it becomes clear that the children of divorce need careful and thorough treatment. Being weak and unprotected in front of the facts of reality that they have to face, these children are exposed to the danger of losing the touch with the world.
To be more precise, they have no immunity to the dangers that an average child will not take as such. They need the therapy that can heal their psychological problems and help them get rid of their fears.
Numerous theories have been suggested to explain the phenomenon of the children of divorce, and each has come up with a solution. Yet most of the existing theories require thorough verification, for an ill-considered approach can damage the weak psyche of the child and cause him or her even more harm. Most of the existing approaches are focused on the family therapy that implies a model of a family reunion.
Although the importance of both parents participating in the child’s treatment has been emphasized for years, now it has become a doubtful thesis. Instead of forcing the family together, the modern psychologists suggest that one of the parents should help the child to recover from the depression with help of specific games and activities.
According to the modern theories, it is absolutely necessary to explain the child that whatever happens to the relations between the parents, the latter will still love him or her. In most cases, children feel the lack of love of either of the parents, which intensifies the child’s depression.
The sincerity and the wish to help the child to recover from the psychological problem are the best ways to heal the child from the unpleasant consequences which divorce is fraught with.
Reference List
Camastral, S. (2008) No Small Change: Progress-Oriented Play therapy for Children of Separating Parents. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy. 29 (2). 100-106.
Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. & Greenbaum, C. W. (2009) Divorce Is a Part of My Life… Resilience, Survival and Vulnerability: Young Adults’ Perception of the Implications of the Parental Divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 35 (1), 30-46.
Faller, K. C. (1999). Competing Priorities and Agendas and Practical Suggestions. New York, NY: Routledge.
Gindes, M. (1998) The Psychological Effect of Relocation for Children of Divorce. Child and Family Behavior Therapy. 15, 119-148.
Gottmann, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997) The Heart of Parenting: How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
Pfeifer, G., & Abrams, L. (1984). School-Based Discussion Groups for Children of Divorce: A Pilot Program. Group. 8 (4). 22-28.
Roberts, T. W. (1991) Recognizing the Strengths of Systemic Parenting: Paradigm Shift in Parent-Child Relationships. Family Science Review, 4 (1-2). Web.
Simon, R. (1999) The Art of Psychotherapy: Case Studies from the Family Therapy Networker. New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons.
Walker, J. (1993) Co-Operative Parenting Post-Divorce: Possibility or Pipedream? Journal of Family Therapy. 15 (3). New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons. pp.273-293.
Warshak, R. A. (2003) Divorce Position: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex. New York, NY: Harper Paperback.
Among family problems, couples want to avoid divorce the most. However, sometimes, divorce is the solution to many issues. Of course, it can cause even more challenges, but these hardships will be of a different type. Although separation may lead to stress and depression, often, it is a rescue for people, giving them a chance to start a new life (Collins, Jordan, & Coleman, 2013). It is more favorable when a divorce becomes just an official confirmation of a fait accompli and does not cause severe psychological and emotional trauma to spouses. It is believed that the sooner the couple divorces, the more comfortable they go through the associated difficulties (Collins et al., 2013).
In cases when a husband and wife have lived together for many years, their separation is challenging and burdened by many factors. Under certain circumstances, even family therapists and social workers might recommend couples to divorce.
Situation 1
When it is entirely impossible to restore the relationship between each other, the couple should not delay the divorce. It is useful to visit a therapist or a social worker who will help understand the reasons and causes of a broken bond. However, when both people hate each other, they need to live separately. Sometimes spouses postpone the divorce for the time when their children grow up, but when the atmosphere is negative at home, the alleged sacrifice will not benefit anybody but harm the children.
Situation 2
When one of the spouses is addicted to alcohol or drugs, the other spouse gets into a difficult situation. If all the attempts made to help the spouse return to a healthy lifestyle were unsuccessful, then the divorce can be a rescue. The mother or father who suffers because of their partner’s addiction but continues to live together for the sake of children might be making a mistake.
Situation 3
If one of the spouses suppresses the will of the other, for instance, by preventing them from pursuing their career or communicating with friends and family, then such relationships need to be transformed. In the most neglected cases, the spouse who is constantly humiliated and deprived of his or her will falls into domestic slavery, getting out of which becomes more difficult year by year. The suppressed spouse should not wait for the children to grow up or other circumstances, because life tends to pass by, and all the sacrifices would be in vain.
Situation 4
Domestic violence should not be easily tolerated but should be dealt with immediately. If such cases of abuse are constant, then the spouse should consider a divorce. In some countries, domestic violence is an act of crime and is prosecuted by law (Choudhry & Herring, 2017). Therefore, no one should let themselves get into captivation, but instead should try to speak to others and communicate their problems.
Conclusion
As the family goes through various stages of development, different obstacles might pose a hindrance to harmony and mutual understanding between the members. In such circumstances, it is usually recommended to meet with a family social worker so that they could analyze and give appropriate recommendations. However, there are also situations when divorce is inevitable and also is a viable choice. Under certain conditions and circumstances, both the couple and the family social worker should consider the option of divorce when thinking of potential solutions to problems.
References
Collins, D., Jordan, C., & Coleman, H. (2013). An introduction to family social work (4th Ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.
Choudhry, S., & Herring, J. (2017). Righting domestic violence. In Marital rights (pp. 71-96). London, UK: Routledge.
In the recent past, divorce/separation cases have increased exponentially making life coaching essential in dispute resolution. Coaching plays a crucial role in addressing custody disputes and other transition-related issues. A divorce can be a very stressful life event for couples. Coaching allows spouses to overcome the transition challenges that may hamper the divorce process.
It involves two models, the neutral and the allied coach approach (Victor & Abeles, 2004). Both models focus on eliminating negative emotions and feelings through education and support in order to facilitate communication. Coaching, unlike therapy, uses a whole-family approach to arrive at a solution that benefits all family members. It seeks to understand the client’s current situation in order to help him/her develop plans for child custody, financial support, and other issues that may impede the divorce process.
Introduction
Professional life coaching helps clients achieve the transformation they desire in their lives. It is about helping a client through a journey of self-discovery that would make him/her understand his/her needs in life, personal relationships, and career. Divorce is one area that requires professional life coaching to enable the parents and children to adjust to the new changes.
The life-coaching role can be useful in resolving child custody conflicts or assisting parents through a divorce transition. It can also assist children adjust to the new changes occasioned by the’ divorce (Kelly & Emery, 2003). During a divorce, the family should come up with an agreement that does not disadvantage anyone. Life coaches assist the divorcing parents to comprehend each other’s views and opinions regarding the process.
During a divorce, strong emotions and thoughts can hinder objective reasoning, which may prevent the couple from reaching an agreement. A life coach assists clients to reframe their opinions and emotions so that they can understand each other’s perspective (Williams & Menendez, 2007). Life coaching also allows the clients to be objective and unbiased during the divorce process. This reduces stress, anxiety, and tension, which may affect the children.
The coaches encourage the divorcing parents to agree on child custody issues before making the separation decisions. Thus, unlike in therapy, life coaching involves a whole-family focus to ensure that the divorce does not disadvantage anyone. This research paper will examine the professional life-coaching role in marriage and divorce, and the theoretical models in the coaching field.
The Life-coaching Role in a Divorce Transition
The resolution of issues such as child custody disputes during a divorce requires the services of a life coach. The divorce coach is an expert in “mediation, separation and divorce, family dynamics, and collaborative law process” and thus, is best suited to help couples overcome the “psychological and emotional challenges” that come with separation or divorce (Dunbar, 2010, p. 34).
Divorce is a complex process that involves court battles to resolve child custody issues and terminate the marriage in a legal way. It requires a collaborative approach to guide the parents and children, if there are any, through “an emotional, spiritual, and financial journey” together (Dunbar, 2010, p. 35). The emotional journey entails a change of the old habits in order to adopt new ways of relating with each other.
As a collaborative team member, a life coach encourages continuous communication between the parents involved in the divorce process. A coach’s role is to remove all emotional obstacles that may impede the process or affect communication. According to Thompson and Amato (2005), a life coach plays three major roles during a divorce, which include ensuring that the collaborative team sticks together, assisting the parents to go through the entire process, and facilitating communication.
Research shows that couples involved in a divorce go through intense anxiety and stress because the process is a major life transition (Thompson & Amato, 2005). Thus, the divorce experience can be quite disorienting to the couple. The loss of trust, stability, financial security, and shared friends, among others, can be quite stressful. A life coach helps couples deal with the stressful events that come with the separation or divorce.
The life disruptions that come with the divorce may elicit strong feelings of grief and anger on the part of the couple. Besides anger and grief, divorce also causes anxiety, as couples begin to worry about the future. According to Dunbar (2010), the feelings of anger, anxiety, and grief hamper the divorce process.
Anger may make a spouse to act in a retaliatory way, which will hinder the divorce process. Grief and fear about the future can also affect the ability of the spouses to think objectively and make sound decisions. Thus, life coaching allows spouses to tame their strong feelings in order to visualize the situation objectively for the benefit of all those affected by the divorce process.
With regard to communication, in divorce situations, spouses may find it difficult to accept that their marriage is ending. One spouse, out of denial, may refuse to accept that the marriage is breaking apart and consequently, stop communicating with the other. The spouses may also engage in a blame game over who is responsible for the conflict in the marriage. Competition and intense arguments over their parenting roles and child custody may also hamper communication, which will undermine the divorce process. A life coach promotes communication between the spouses so that they can make decisions that reflect the interests of their children.
Models of Life Coaching
As aforementioned, a life coach plays an integral role during a divorce or a remarriage. He or she facilitates communication, enables the spouses to handle the emotional challenges of the divorce, and helps the couple make sound decisions that meet their own interests as well as those of their children. In divorce situations, life coaching may involve two models: the neutral and the two-coach model (Victor & Abeles, 2004).
A neutral coach does not support either party involved in the divorce process; instead, he encourages communication between the spouses (Victor & Abeles, 2004). The coach also removes any emotional obstacles that may prevent the couples from functioning effectively. Williams and Menendez (2007) identify three roles of a neutral coach, which include giving emotional assistance to the couple during the divorce process, helping them to function as a team, and coordinating meetings to address various issues, including child custody and financial matters.
A neutral coach organizes regular meetings with the spouses to obtain information regarding the dynamics of their relationship. Meeting with the spouses separately can help the coach understand their concerns, fears, and viewpoints about the whole situation. Victor and Abeles (2004) suggest that the talks during a coaching session should center on the spouse’s level of preparedness for a divorce, communication barriers, and parenting skills, among others. A neutral coach helps each spouse to understand what aspects of his or her life provoke negative emotions or hate in another person and how he/she can overcome them in order to facilitate the divorce discussions. The spouses are also made to understand why such actions or feelings are not in their best interests.
In a case where the couple has children, the coach takes the role of “a neutral child specialist” in educating the spouses on “co-parenting” skills (Williams & Menendez, 2007, p. 56). The coach can also collaborate with the divorcing parents in developing a parenting plan for the children. To do this, the coach utilizes the collaborative principles, which dictate that one has to share important information with the team members in order to guide the parents towards the achievement of desired goals. Communication between the spouses during the joint meetings allows the coach to monitor their behavior and manage their expectations.
In the neutral model, the coach represents an impartial voice that does not side with either party. In contrast, a divorce attorney usually sides with the client and advocates for his or her interests (Victor & Abeles, 2004). This hampers the collaboration and may even stall the divorce process. On the other hand, a neutral voice promotes collaboration that is necessary for the process to move forward. A neutral life coach also removes barriers to effective communication during joint meetings. Spouses may be embroiled in a conflict that hampers communication between them. This can affect the divorce process. A neutral coach urges the two parties to work together to resolve any conflict between them.
The second approach is the two-coach model. In this model, one life coach serves each spouse during the divorce process (Victor & Abeles, 2004). In this model, the coach acts as “an ally to the couple while still keeping the interests of the whole family in mind” (Noble, 2006, para. 5). In this way, each coach can focus his/her efforts on the needs and interests of the individual spouse. An allied coach ensures that each party is honest and accountable to the others during the process.
This approach differs from the neutral one in that in the allied model coaching occurs in separate meetings. In subsequent four-way sessions, the each allied coach encourages the client to air out his/her interests and needs during the joint meetings. They then address the concerns and problems raised by their respective client in meetings that include the “clients, allied coaches, attorneys, and other professionals” (Hedeen & Salem, 2006, p. 604). In this way, the clients are able to communicate and make decisions that benefit them and the children.
Initially, allied coaches organize meetings with their respective clients to assist them in identifying individual needs. The clients are also taught on how to communicate their perspectives and manage negative emotions in order to act objectively without personal prejudices (Hedeen & Salem, 2006). Allied coaches identify the strengths and weaknesses as well as the unique challenges of their respective clients in order to formulate communication plans. They also collaborate with a child specialist to help the parents develop a post-divorce parenting plan. As aforementioned, divorces create much anxiety over the future. Allied coaches can guide each spouse to develop a future relationship plan. This can help a couple cope with the challenges associated with a divorce.
Life Coaching Consultant Role
In family law, professional life coaching is a service offered to one spouse and his or her lawyer during a divorce. The consultant role of a life coach encompasses “parental education and psychological support” to help the parents go through the divorce (Ellis, 2000, p. 118). As a mental health professional, a life coach also offers forensic services, including child abuse or custody information, to the attorneys and parents. However, such information is confidential and cannot be revealed to other parties (Ellis, 2000).
According to Noble (2006), the consultation role encompasses “coaching principles and alternative dispute resolution (ADR) concepts” (Para. 11). The author further states that the parties involved in a dispute often seek to improve their communication and manage their disagreement before it escalates into a full-fledged conflict (Noble, 2006). In this regard, the consultation role integrates the educational, psychological, and therapeutic aspects of conflict management.
The consultative role is built on the premise that the conflicting parties, with a little help from the attorneys, allied coaches, and other professionals, can resolve their disputes (Mayer, 2004). Mayer (2004) further notes that the assistance the “disputants want is not neutral, process oriented, or facilitative” (p. 217). Rather, the kind of assistance a spouse needs is one that can help resolve the conflict with his/her opponent. In this context, the opponent is the mother or father.
This perspective affects the relationship between the parents, which, in turn, hurts the children. Mayer (2004) identifies three forms of help that a couple needs in the event of a divorce: “(1) the ally, (2) the third party, and (3) the system roles”. As an ally, a life coach assists the spouses to engage each other in a fruitful discussion. In contrast, as a third party, a coach facilitates a more productive engagement between the parties. In this context, the coach serves as an arbitrator and a mediator. System roles include “case management, training, and research” that help change the conflict environment (Mayer, 2004, p. 223).
In this model, the life coach appointed by a divorce attorney serves as an ally. He or she interacts with the parents and educates them on how to resolve disputes without hurting the children. As a mental health professional, the coach creates an atmosphere that allows the parents to reveal their concerns, avoid being defensive, understand each other’s expectations, and make informed choices that are in the best interests of the children. In this regard, the central aim of the ‘coaching’ is to enhance the spouses’ emotional intelligence so that they are able to make informed choices. Divorce attorneys often advise their clients to seek the services of a life coach (mental health consultant) before the divorce process begins or when there are issues surrounding child custody (Mayer, 2004).
Regardless of the stage at which consultations begin, coaching must involve whole-family perspective, whereby the coach teaches the spouses the strategies of interpersonal engagement in the home (Williams & Menendez, 2007). At this point, life coaching aims at providing each parent with a way of relieving his or her emotions so that he/she can make effective decisions during the divorce process. The coach encourages the parents to reflect on the consequences of their actions (Kelly & Emery, 2003). He or she guides and teaches the client to respond positively when faced with verbal attacks. The client should give positive responses to the evaluator, as these have a bearing on child custody decisions.
In this view, the coach should be one who has “good communication skills, understands cultural and gender issues, and is knowledgeable about conflict resolution strategies” (Mayer, 2004, p. 234). Additionally, a life coach should fully understand the custody evaluation process in order to advise his/her client appropriately. Conflict mediation and resolution are the other essential skills of a consultant. The coach gathers relevant data and empirical evidence about good parenting plans, which he/she presents during joint meetings. The aim is to minimize protracted legal battles. He or she should also collaborate with the divorce attorneys in mediating the conflict between the spouses.
Divorce Coaching Vs. Psychotherapy
A collaborative coaching process is often mistaken to be psychotherapy. However, many aspects of coaching make it different from therapy. In a client-therapist relationship (person-centered model), the therapist serves as “the client’s advocate” and thus, supports his/her perspective (Aronsohn, 2010, para. 3).
In contrast, in a ‘client-coach’ relationship, the coach only seeks to protect the needs and interests of the client. Moreover, a coach understands that the other party may have distinct or opposite needs to those of his/her client. Often, after holding separate meetings with the spouses, the coaches communicate with each other in order to develop a broader picture of the conflict situation.
The purpose of life coaching is to help divorcing spouses to come to a form of arrangement that benefits them and the children. In the allied model, the coaches strive to enlighten each spouse about the needs and viewpoints of the other in order to make the divorce process less detrimental to the family unit. Thus, coaching takes a whole-family approach when addressing the problems at hand (Aronsohn, 2010). In contrast, therapy focuses on individual needs and interests.
In particular, the person-centered model emphasizes on the client’s needs and not those of others directly affected by the divorce. In order to understand, the present situation, therapy focuses on the client’s “values, goals, relationships, and job satisfaction”, which reflect his/her past experiences (Aronsohn, 2010, para. 6). In contrast, coaching largely focuses on the client’s current situation, not his/her past. Its aim is to help clients to plan for the future after a major life event such as a divorce or separation. Thus, coaching engages, teaches, and directs clients towards developing a co-parenting plan that serves the interests of the entire family.
Conclusion
Separation and divorce require coaching in order to help the parents to understand how they can resolve disputes relating to child custody and financial support. Spouses embroiled in a child custody conflict can overcome their negative emotions through the education and support services given by a life-coaching professional. Besides education and empathy, the coaching role entails confidential consultation to resolve parental conflicts.
It involves two main models, the neutral and allied coach approaches. The coaches in both models facilitate communication so that each partner can understand the other’s perspectives and needs. This allows them to develop a co-parenting plan that benefits them and the children. Unlike therapy, coaching centers on the client’s present and future needs. Moreover, a coach does not advocate for the spouse’s perspective; rather, he or she ensures that the ultimate solution benefits the entire family unit.
References
Aronsohn, M. (2010). Divorce Coaching: How is it Different from Therapy? Web.
Dunbar, A. (2010). Essential life coaching skills. New York: Routledge.
Ellis, E. M. (2000). Divorce Wars: interventions with families in conflict. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.
Hedeen, T., & Salem, P. (2006). What should family lawyers know? Results of a survey of practitioners and students. Family Court Review, 44(4), 601-611.
Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
Mayer, B. S. (2004). Beyond neutrality: Confronting the crisis in conflict resolution. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Web.
Noble, C. (2006). Conflict coaching: When it works and when it doesn’t.
Thompson, R., & Amato, P. (2005). The post-divorce family: Research and policy issues. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Victor, T. L., & Abeles, N. (2004). Coaching clients to take psychological and neuropsychological tests: A clash of ethical obligations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 35(4), 373-379.
Williams, P., & Menendez, D. (2007). Becoming a professional life coach; Lessons from the Institute of Life Coach Training. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.
The given paper revolves around the main aspects of divorce and the negative impact it has on the personality of a child. The work provides background information related to the given issue for a reader to obtain a clear image of the problem. The paper also provides the literature review of the sources related to the major concerns of the issue of divorce and the aftermath it might have on the development of a child, socialization, and his/her behavior. The psyche of a child is considered as one of the crucial aspects of the given issue, and the precise analysis of the divorces influence is provided. The given work also presents a reader with the aftermath of divorce and the terms of the child adjustment. At the end of the paper, the discussion is provided, and the main information is summarized.
Introduction
Family plays a crucial role in the evolution and survival of society. A number of scientists have sought to describe the impact it has on the development of an individual and the processes peculiar to the institution of the family at various stages of the growth of society. However, the majority of them accept the idea of the dominant role of the family in the process of the formation of the psyche of a child and his/her socialization (Entwistle, 2010).
Being deprived of the family environment, a child might suffer from the lack of various essential factors and parental attention. However, along with the recognition of the role of family, modern society is also characterized by the tendency towards the growth of the divorce rate. The scientists emphasize the pernicious impact it has on society because of the corruption of the psyche of a child who grows in terms of the divorce.
Literature review
The scale of the existing challenge is significant and can be realized when one analyzes the literature devoted to the given issue. Kelly (2003) tends to underline the fact that if the given tendency holds, society will face the complicated problems related to the socialization of children and their behavior. Underlining the point that there have been a number of substantial changes in the last several decades in scientific perspectives related to the issue of divorce, the author emphasizes the necessity of the continuation of researches devoted to the given sphere (Kelly, 2003). According to modern statistics, divorce is one of the most frequently mentioned reasons for the failure of childrens socialization and adaptation (Effects of Divorce on Children, n.d.).
These facts evidence the scale of the problem and highlight the most complicated aspect of the divorce. Children become the main victims of this process as their unformed psyche and personality remain extremely vulnerable (Long-term Effects of Divorce, n.d.). Under these conditions, the necessity of the investigation of divorce and the mechanisms of its influence on a child becomes one of the essential tasks of psychologists. The stable interest towards the issue of divorce also gives rise to the reconsideration of the traditional approaches towards the mitigation of its effects and the creation of the atmosphere beneficial for the childs development.
Foulkes-Jamison (2001) stresses the idea that the modern age demands a new and efficient solution to protect a child and guarantee his/her stable evolution. For these reasons, investigators traditionally highlight a number of major concerns related to divorce and its impact on a child. These concerns include the process of adjustment, socialization and the psyche of a child (Emery, n.d.). However, the aspects to consider might vary depending on the stressors which have the greatest impact on a certain child.
The main aspects of divorce
Divorce implies the introduction of a number of essential changes to the structure of a family and relations between parents and a child. This is not about the change in the legal status of people used to live in terms of marriage. However, the initiation of the divorce process signals about the corruption of the psychic atmosphere peculiar to a certain family (Karuppaswamy & Myers, n.d.). Statistics show that the majority of divorces are preceded by the crucial shifts in the relations between partners and their interaction in terms of the household (Long-term Effects of Divorce, n.d). These changes have a hidden impact on a child and initiate the process of the reconsideration of his/her traditional approaches and vision of the relations within the traditional family. Children take parents as their role models and the collapse of their relations results in the acquisition of cognitive dissonance.
Childrens psyche
It appears because of the unsteadiness and unformed character of the psyche of a child. Scientists state the formation of the personality of a person ends by 18 years (Pickhardt, 2011). Until then, it remains unstable and subject to the influence of a number of external factors. For this reason, divorce might become great stress for a child and result in significant shifts in the psychological profile.
The cognitive abilities of children are limited (Foulkes-Jamison, 2001), and very often it results in the appearance of false ideas and irrational fears about the future. Additionally, the lack of coping skills might place a child at risk of having significant problems related to the reconsideration of a family and his/her role in it (Foulkes-Jamison, 2001). The complex of these factors poses a great threat to the psyche of a child and the process of socialization.
Divorce and the family structure
There are multiple stressors which a child faces in case of divorce. The first one is the change of the accustomed structure of a family and the search for the place in the new environment. Children suffer from a lack of communication with one of the parents, often their father (Kalmijn, 2015). Additionally, the third part of divorces results in the removal. (Effects of Divorce on Children, n.d.) and worsening of living conditions. All these factors pose a great threat to the conscience and psyche of a child. Combined with the collapse of the institution of family, they might trigger the irreversible changes in the behavior and mentality. The family serves as the basis for children (McMinn, 2011) and provides the element of stability in the changing world. Being deprived of it, they will become more dependent on one of the parents as he/she will remain the only stable element.
Negative feelings
Therefore, the majority of children participating in the surveys devoted to the investigation of the given issue, highlight “painful memories and ongoing worries” (Emery, n.d.) related to their parents divorce and their relations at that period of time. These negative feelings promote the appearance of a number of psychological disorders based on a persons self-determination. The scale of the impact is proved by the words of adolescents whose parents are divorced.
They completely accept its pernicious influence and underline the fact that their personality is altered under the influence of divorce (Emery, n.d.). The conflict between the parents may also result in the acquisition of the mistrust towards the representatives of the opposite sex as a child is deprived of the example of the successful collaboration of genders. Furthermore, the same reports evidence that people whose parents are divorced tend to describe their childhood as more difficult than the rest of their counterparts had.
Behavioral deviations
Behavior deviations might also appear due to the negative experience and feelings related to the divorce process. Kapinus (2004) underlines the pernicious influence of the feelings and emotions triggered by the process of the formation of the childs behavior. It impacts boys and girls in different ways and leads to the formation of complicated physiological deviations. For instance, a number of girls whose parents are divorced fail to create a good family and establish stable and beneficial relations with men (Kapinus, 2004).
The number is especially big among girls who remained with their mothers. In such a case under the influence of a mother, the fathers guilt is taken as the main factor resulting in the initiation of the divorce. The environment of this sort promotes the development of the negative inclinations towards the relationships with the opposite sex and the formation of their image. The girls fail to trust men and have a fear towards the rapprochement. As concerns boys, the pattern of the influence is different. Being deprived of the paternal influence, they might display the lack of masculinity and feminine qualities (Kalmijn, 2015). In these regards, the process of divorce impacts both boys and girls, resulting in the significant changes of the traditional behavioral patterns.
Siblings in terms of divorce
For siblings, the effect is more complicated. Research related to the given issue states that “siblings experienced increased closeness as a result of the shared experience of going through the divorce of their parents together” (Abbey & Dallos, 2004, p. 241). The common negative emotions strengthen the bond between children and make them more open to each other. Additionally, the presence of a person who might feel the same feelings and share the pain of the process makes the experience less stressful. Studies show that siblings are more resilient, and it is easier for them to involve in the social life (Abbey and Dallos, 2004).
However, there are also significant concerns related to the negative aspect of the relations between siblings in terms of divorce. Abbey and Dallos (2004) underline the fact that the siblings going through the divorce process might be jealous and take a brother or a sister as the potential rival in the struggle for the parents attention. The whole process is characterized by the decrease of the level of attention devoted to children. It gives rise to the attempts to underline their significance for parents. Furthermore, the separation of siblings might contribute to the significant deteriorations of the relations between them triggered by various points of view on the divorce process. The conflict of interests between parents will obviously have the impact on the childrens vision of the situation and initiate the growth of the mistrust between them.
The impact of divorce on socialization
The process of the socialization of a child might also be impacted by divorce. Childhood is an essential period in the life of every person characterized by the formation of the most important mechanisms of the interaction with the society. At that period of time, children have to acquire the skills needed or the collaboration with their counterparts and adults. However, the deterioration of the relations between parents and their inability to make a compromise influence the formation of the diffidence. The psyche of a child suffers from the feelings of pain, loneliness, guilt, and a number of other significant stressors.
For these reasons, a child might become reserved and refuse to cooperate with people surrounding him/her. Additionally, because of the lack of experience and sense of delicacy, children do not sympathize with their counterparts who go through divorce. On the contrary, very often they are derided and humiliated. That is why, a child might acquire the problems with “anger, disobedience, and rule violations” (Emery, n.d., para. 4), having the significant negative impact on the socialization. Statistics show that a significant percentage among people characterized by the problems with socialization have the negative and painful experience of their parents divorce.
Adjustment
It follows from these cogitations that divorce has the undeniable negative impact on the evolution and formation of a child. The deterioration of the quality of his/her life and decrease of the level of social activity are the important outcomes of this process. They pose a great threat to the further development of society. For these reasons, the mitigation of the aftermath of divorce and promoting the recovery of children become the major concerns of the modern age.
According to Kelly (2003), childrens adjustment is the crucial aspect of any divorce process as it leads to the neutralization of the negative impacts and promotion of the childrens recovery. Traditionally, the adjustment takes 2 years (Effects of Divorce on Children, n.d.). However, scientists underline the possibility to reduce the terms and make the process more efficient by the implementation of the new methods of working with these children. (Kelly, 2003).
To make the impact of divorce less negative and mitigate the development of numerous psychological disorders, parents are obliged to devote a great deal of attention towards their children as their communication skills promote the better understanding of the process and faster recovery. In general, the role of parents in the process of divorce is crucial, and they have to address the psychologist to guarantee the further stable and beneficial development of their child. Te protective factors related to the issue also contribute to the faster recovery of a child. These factors include the positive atmosphere within a family, support from the relatives, psychological consultations, etc.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the negative impact of divorce on children is proved by numerous investigations. The change of the structure of the family results in the appearance of the uncertainty and destroys the traditional image of the world. Children suffer from the lack of attention devoted to them and the conflict between their parents. Their unformed and unstable psyche responds to the shifts in the environment by creating various defense mechanisms like aggression, disobedience and violations of different kinds. Additionally, the problems with the relations with counterparts result in the failure of socialization. For this reason, a number of people passed through their parents divorce fail to create the stable relations or the family. The scale of the problem is significant and impacts the level of attention devoted to the adjustment. It is taken as one of the crucial concerns which could help to protect a child and help him/her to recover.
References
Abbey, C., & Dallos, R. (2004). The Experience of the Impact of Divorce on Sibling Relationships: A Qualitative Study. Clin Child Psychol Psychiatry, 9(2), 241-259. Web.
Effects of Divorce on Children. (n.d.). Web.
Emery, R. (n.d.). The truth about children and divorce. Web.
Entwistle, D. (2010). Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity. Eugene, OR.: Cascade Books.
Foulkes-Jamison, L. (2001). The Effects Of Divorce On Children. Web.
Kalmijn, M. (2015). Relationships Between Fathers and Adult Children. The Cumulative Effects of Divorce and Repartnering. Journal of Family Issues, 36(6), 737-759. Web.
Kapinus, C. (2004). The Effect of Parents’ Attitudes toward Divorce on Offspring’s Attitudes. Gender and Parental Divorce as Mediating Factors. Journal of Family Issues, 25(1), 112-135. Web.
Karuppaswamy, N., & Myers, J. (n.d.) The Effect of Divorce on Children: What Makes a Difference. Web.
Kelly, J. (2003). Changing Perspectives on Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce. A View from the United States. Childhood, 10(2), 237-254. Web.
Long-term Effects of Divorce. (n.d.). Web.
McMinn, M. R. (2011). Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality in Christian Counseling. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House.
Young adults’ well-being has been shown to be negatively impacted by parental divorce. However, as research utilizing organized clinical assessments is lacking, it is uncertain whether this conclusion is therapeutically applicable. The purpose of the “Parental divorce is associated with an increased risk to develop mental disorders in women” study by Schaan, Schulz, Schächinger, and Vögele was to determine whether mental health issues are more prevalent in young adults whose parents have divorced (Schaan, Schulz, Schächinger, & Vögele) Children of divorced and non-divorced parents were compared in terms of parental care, social connectivity, chronic stress, and traumatic events.
For the children and parents involved, a divorce between the parents is a significant life event that could be stressful. As a result, many kids now find it difficult to adjust to the divorce of their parents. Compared to young people with non-divorced parents, young adults with separated parents had an increased chance of disorders (Schaan, Schulz, Schächinger, & Vögele). Individuals from dysfunctional families reported isolation, childhood trauma, adjustment difficulties, connection anxiety, psychological stress, and fewer parenting skills found in participants from non-divorced households.
To summarize, the “Parental divorce is associated with an increased risk to develop mental disorders in women” study by Schaan, Schulz, Schächinger, and Vögele published in Journal of affective disorders (2019) is concerning that children from divorced families are more prone to psychological stress, loneliness, adjustment difficulties, connection anxieties. It emphasizes the value of preventative initiatives and psychosocial support throughout the parent’s cutting phase. To help families better look after their children during and after their divorce, parental consent on good caregiving is required. The lack of parental treatment, financial and emotional aggression, emotional dysregulation, depression, chronic stress, connection avoidance, and anxiety were also linked to parental divorce. The findings emphasize the necessity for adequate preventative initiatives to assist children during this difficult time.
Although the main objectives of marriage are permanent union and healthy relationship between couples, unfortunate circumstances do arise in marriage that forces marriage partners to divorce. Psychologists and sociologists have noted that causes of divorce entail many complex issues that complicate and stall continuation of marriage. Infidelity, lack of commitment, drug abuse, poor relationships, incompatible lifestyles, abusive behaviors, and financial problems are some of the common causes of divorces in the modern society.
When divorce occurs in a family, couples are not the only ones who experience emotional and psychological suffering, but also children. Children experience traumatic experiences seeing their parents quarrel and fight until they divorce leaving them to live under single parent-families, which denies them a chance to enjoy balanced parenthood. Given that divorce rates are increasing in the modern society, what are the causes and effects of divorce on children?
Causes
Psychologists and sociologists argue that causes of divorce are complex of issues that result from internal and external influences on marriage. Couples experience many challenges in their marriages that complicate their relationship status and compel them to divorce, as the only way out of the problems they face.
As mentioned above, the common causes of divorce in the modern society include infidelity, lack of commitment, drug abuse, poor relationships, incompatible lifestyles, abusive behaviors, and financial problems among other social issues. Nevertheless, research studies point at infidelity as the most common cause of divorce among young couples.
According to Stewart and Brentano, “extramarital affairs contribute about 27% of the divorce rates in the United States while domestic violence comes second with approximately 18% of divorce rates” (448).
These figures show that, the major factor that contributes to the high rates of divorce in the society is an external factor of extramarital affairs. Extramarital affairs are very common due to change in marriage lifestyles and perceptions of the society. Studies further reveal that husbands are the most unfaithful in marriages by having many partners as compared to their wives. Abusive behaviors of husbands that lead to domestic violence come second as the most cause of divorce in marriages.
Financial problems, incompatible lifestyles, drug abuse, and lack of commitment contribute to poor relationship in marriages leading to divorce. When couples experience financial problems in their marriages, they cannot agree on how to satisfy family needs; therefore, the priority of satisfying family needs creates conflict because partners feel that they are living poor lives within the marriage while divorce can offer freedom of satisfying one’s needs.
Since marriage involves union, husband and wife have diverse interests in life. Clashing interests of life in marriage result into incompatible lifestyles that complicate marriage relationship. Couples who have incompatible lifestyles will not lead a happy marriage life for they will always have quarrels and disagreements that eventually end up in divorce.
Stewart and Brentano argue, “Drug abuses such as alcoholism has made couples to neglect their marital responsibilities leaving their partners lose interest with marriage life causing them to file divorce in the courts” (451). According to survey, among couples, husbands are more likely to fall into drug addiction and neglect their marital responsibilities, which push their wives to seek divorce.
Effects on Children
Effects of divorce are very damaging to the growth and development of children and significantly change course of their lives. Research shows that the “effects depend on the age of the child at the time of divorce, on the child’s gender and personality, the amount of conflict between parents and the support provided by friends and family” (Temke 109). Children of two years and above can experience emotional and psychological disturbances if parents divorce.
The children at this stage are psychologically mature to understand the nature of relationships that their parents undergo and they are often depressed and traumatized when parents divorce. Preschool age children tend to blame themselves for the occurrence of divorce as they develop sense of guilt and become socially withdrawn from the family Since children are very young to endure emotional and psychological disturbances, they become depressed and their performance declines in class.
As children grow and approach adolescence, divorce experiences haunt them. They contemplate on how divorce has changed their lives in terms of increased family responsibilities and change in their lifestyles. Adolescents tend to lose meaning of life and marriage because they may leave their studies and decide never to get married in future.
“Teens experience anger, fear, loneliness, depression and guilt, some feel pushed into adulthood if they must take responsibility for many new chores or care of siblings and may doubt their own ability to get married or to stay married” (Lansdale, Cherlin, & Kiernan 1621). Therefore, if remedial measures are in place to help children cope with problem, divorce will adversely affects their future.
Conclusion
Divorce is the major marital problem that threatens survival of marriages and upbringing of children in the modern society. Infidelity and domestic violence are the two prime causes of divorce, the number one reason for single parenthood.
Other factors such as financial problems, drug abuse, and incompatible lifestyles also form part of problems that complicate marriage life for couples. Children suffer because they are very young to endure traumatic experiences due to divorce. Children become depressed and often lose direction in life due to lack proper parental support, which plays a key role in normal child development.
Works Cited
Lansdale, Chase, Cherlin, Andrew, and Kiernan, Kathleen. “The Long-Term Effects of Parental Divorce on the Mental Health of Young Adults: A Developmental Perspective.” Child Development 66 (1995):1614-1634. Web.
Stewart, Clarke, and Brentano, Cain. “Divorce: Causes and Consequences.” Book Review Yale University Press, 2006. Web.
Temke, Mary. “The Effects of Divorce on Children.” North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service, 2001. Web.
The poetry of Marie Ponsot can be called lyric and passionate, enriching the soul and teaching people about the simple human values. The poem For a Divorce is a part of her new work Admit Impediment, which is a collection of her verses. The poem produces a very strong impression, with the author letting the reader come into the most intricate corners of her soul and participate in her speculations on why she actually married and what led the happy couple to the divorce. The opening paragraphs of the poem show how the author treats divorce and marriage:
Death is the price for life Lives change places (Ponsot I, 1-2).
She clearly feels that her marriage was a life of hers, and the death of feelings is the divorce – the end to happiness, to mutual understanding, to being the two parts of the whole. However, the end of the poem indicates that Marie Ponsot is putting up with the reality of a divorce and treats it as something natural, giving life to a new stage of her own life path by the death of the previous one:
Deaths except for amoeba articulate Life into lives, separate, named, new. Not all sworn faith dies. Ours did (Ponsot VII, 1-3).
The regrets Marie Ponsot feels about being divorced are felt in the words by which she tries to comprehend her feelings about the loss. It is clearly a loss for Ponsot, and she perceives the divorce as a real endeavor requiring much effort and strength of will from the one enduring it:
How dear now undark appear the simple Apparently simple wishes of the untried will; How dark it is here and now suddenly too still (Ponsot II, 1-5).
Ponsot puts a certain portion of blame for the divorce on her ex-husband, seeing that he did not put any effort to save their marriage. It is evident from the description of Ponsot’s romantic endeavors to make their life in marriage bright, unusual, delicate and interesting. The husband did not support her efforts and did not try to play the roles that Ponsot offered to him:
…Even on my crystal sands even under my fragrant trees you were a pig (Ponsot IV, 5-7).
This quotation shows that the relationships between Ponsot and her husband, no matter how hard she tried, were far from romantic and intricate. It is dreadful for Ponsot to recollect that she was actually for such a state of affairs, and she blames herself in part for the ruinous end of their relationships by saying: “I a Circe stupefied who/ could not tell the master from the man” (Ponsot IV, 8-9).
She realizes that she was weak and could not influence the distribution of roles, power relationships and let her husband torture her in many ways. There are many descriptions of beasts and monsters in the poem, offering a colorful idea of what Ponsot was trying to compare the agony of their union to: “in myths gross beasts must wound; it is their work” (Ponsot V, 2-3); “a cruel kind of guide or Christ” (Ponsot V, 8-9) etc.
Nevertheless, no matter how much bitterness and regret, the romantic fleur of spiritual suffering and pursuit of finding the answer to the question ‘why’, there is surely the sentimental warmth about the foregone happiness and closeness Ponsot used to have with her husband.
Marriage is a central institution that contributes to the development of the society and creates the basis for its further evolution. For this reason, its role in peoples lives could hardly be overestimated. However, in the last several decades the tendency towards the increase in the number of divorces could be observed (Warren). Sociologists are concerned about this issue because of its pernicious impact on communities and peoples relations. Therefore, the investigation conducted by researchers outline three most common causes for divorce which are leading at the moment: laziness, failed expectations, and financial difficulties (Meyer). In the majority of couples, these aspects result in the deterioration of relations and decreased attractiveness of partners.
The fact is that people do not realize that marriage is a hard work and spouses should do their best to support each other and develop their relations. However, there is a misbelief that marriage will make people happy just because of its nature (Meyer). That is why men look for women who will care for them, and women look for men who will maintain a family and satisfy all their needs. Thus, husbands and wives are not ready to work on themselves and relations gradually deteriorate. This disillusionment becomes a hard challenge for spouses as their stereotypes become dismantled and they experience the failure of their expectations that becomes another cause for divorce.
Indeed, disappointment related to high expectations along with the inability to achieve desired goals is among the three most popular reasons that make couples divorce. As stated above, every spouse has his or her vision of marriage and perspectives on male or female roles in relations. If these ideas are far from reality or too romanticized, individuals will face harsh life and suffer from the cognitive dissonance complicated by depression and other psychological problems (Warren). Furthermore, these issues might also result in the lack of motivation to work and earn money to maintain a marriage. As a result, households might experience significant financial troubles which, in their turn, become another popular cause for divorce.
In fact, almost all young spouses face financial problems. Partners just start their long journey and do not have a stable income. That is why it becomes a severe trial for just-married couples. In case they both are ready to do their best and overcome all difficulties that might appear on their way, a marriage will be successful (Payne et al.). Unfortunately, in a significant number of cases, high expectations and laziness decrease individuals motivation levels and contribute to their disappointment with marriage (Payne et al.). Moreover, spouses might blame each other for their poor financial situation and the lack of resources to live in accordance with particular images they have in their mind.
Altogether, today one could see a disappointing tendency towards the increase in the number of divorces. Young people who have just married are not able to overcome all challenges that appear in their family life. Therefore, poor understanding of the nature of marriage cultivates numerous misbeliefs among individuals. In this regard, they become unable to work hard to maintain their marriage and relations. It results in the painful failure of expectations and lack of motivation to earn money and solve financial problems. In such a way, laziness, high expectations, and financial troubles could be considered the three leading causes for the divorce in the modern society.
Divorce is a legal process of terminating a marriage. The decision to divorce is made by parties involved in the union, that is, husband and wife or any other arrangement. Several laws have been put in place in the US to govern the process of divorce. These regulations depend on the state the couple is living in. Whenever an application for a divorce is placed before the court system, it is the jurisdiction of any legal authority to deny or authorize the request on the basis of existing laws. In the US, the divorce procedure often involves property sharing, child custody, support, and distribution of debt among others (Eaton 38). Several reasons are associated with divorce such as incompatibility, infidelity, and unsolvable family or personal differences. Despite these reasons, divorce remains a challenge since it subjects the parties involved to stress and destroys families. It is therefore important to carry out a comprehensive research to examine the causes of divorce, its impact, and potential modifications to the law to make it harder. This proposed research study examines the above variables through an online primary survey to capture personal insight into the topic of divorce on whether it is necessary to tighten laws to ensure that the number of divorces is reduced.
Research Background
In the US, the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1973 is the main law governing the divorce process in the court. The protagonists and antagonists of divorce have agreed that this law is limiting and unsatisfactory because of emerging fault lines in implementation. In order to amend this law, a reform bill was created in the form of the Family Law Act 1996 (FLA) (Scott et al. 136). However, this amendment has not been fully integrated in the judicial processes leading to a divorce. The justification for divorce has also quickly shifted from a slow process to a relatively easy approach. For instance, the determinants of marriage have changed from using the family institution as a symbol of lifelong commitment to an institution of constant self-fulfillment. This means that many modern marriages are not based on lifetime commitment, but what each couple considers fulfilling (Eaton 36). Thus, a couple may easily file for a divorce when simple or selfish goals are no longer fulfilled by either of the partners. This trend is inconsistent with the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 (MCA), which aimed at attempting to encourage the warring couple to stick longer in the marriage institution (Figley 45).
Specifically, the process should be slow and arduous to discourage divorce as a quick fix solution to personal differences. Although the MCA act permits divorce on the grounds of irretrievable marriage breakdown, couples must prove these irreconcilable differences within the five fact sheet list. The primary facts for permitting divorce are unreasonable behavior, adultery, desertion for at least two years, irreconcilable differences, and five years of separation. Apparently, the last three fact sheets are a sufficient argument for a quick divorce (Scott et al. 141). Due to such weaknesses in the law, “virtually any spouse can assemble a list of events which, taken out of context, can be presented as unreasonable behavior sufficient to found a divorce petition” (Figley 56). Therefore, in reality, the quick divorce option readily available has made separation proceeding in the court of law easy and almost effortless. These faults are affecting the marriage institution and family as a whole since a partner might decide to walk out of a matrimonial union at any time by just presenting one fact from the list of the five grounds for divorce. Thus, there is a need to carry out a comprehensive survey to examine the causes of divorce, impacts, and potential strategies to reduce the divorce rate.
Research Objectives and Questions
The primary objective of this research study is to establish the divorce rate among different population samples in terms of impacts and what should be done to minimize it. Specifically, the proposed objectives are:
To establish the causes of divorce in modern American families
To find out the percentage of divorce rate and impacts
To identify what could be done to reduce divorce through legal amendments
From the above objectives, the following research questions were formulated by the researcher to address the scope of the study:
What is the main cause of divorce?
Do you think the divorce rate is increasing?
Do you think that divorce should be a harder process?
What are the options to stop a divorce?
Are there benefits of reduced divorce to the society?
Research Significance
The findings of this research study will contribute to the existing literature on the need for controlled divorce by making the laws harder for those seeking separation. Moreover, the results might be used to influence policy formulation and future amendments that are aimed at making it difficult for couples to file for a divorce.
Literature Review
Current Loopholes in the Divorce Laws
The main loophole that is often exploited as a reason for justifying divorce is irreconcilable differences. Since the modern lifestyle does not appreciate marriage as a symbol of a lifetime commitment to a partner, it has become easy to exit this union as long as the petitioner can prove one of the five fact sheets. For instance, it would be easy to prove separation for a period of two years simply by moving out of the matrimonial home for the same period and then filing for a divorce (Eaton 39). Moreover, the law permits incompatibility, as grounds for divorce. With minimal regulations on what is considered incompatible, a petitioner might exploit this loophole to create an environment for hostility to prove irreconcilable differences. In addition, the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1973 does not encourage a prolonged and tedious divorce process that could be used to discourage separation or promote reconciliation (Figley 33). As a result, the marriage institution has been exposed to high rates of divorce as a partner can easily leave as long as he or she is able to prove any of the five requirements for permitting the annulment.
Causes of Divorce
Several factors have been associated with divorces such as violence, infidelity, debt, irreconcilable differences, and behavior considered abnormal. For instance, violence in modern families due to financial and other economic stresses or substance abuse might lead to divorce. Many young marriages are grappling with an unending debt cycle due to hard economic times (Scott et al. 140). This condition makes it difficult for couples to get self-fulfillment in marriages and they might easily snap and file for a divorce. For example, a couple who cannot agree on anything might opt for divorce as a solution to these differences. In addition, any proof of infidelity is grounds for separation and eventual divorce as stipulated in the law (Gravningen et al. 13). Instances of infidelity in the modern marriage institution are on the rise as many couples cannot get sexual satisfaction due to conflicts, which affect their sex life. Moreover, the free lifestyle might be tempting to young couples to engage in extra marital affairs (Eaton 34). These affairs are a threat to the marriage institution since a petitioner might exploit this situation to file for a divorce, especially when there is sufficient proof.
Potential Benefits of Reduced Divorce
Many benefits are associated with reduced divorce such as stable and complete families, reduced wastage of resources, preservation of wealth, and happy child upbringing. For instance, societies that make divorce difficult encourage lifetime commitment, which translates to a stable, predictable, and relatively focused family institution. Moreover, children raised in complete families tend to be happier and more fulfilled than children who have been victims of divorce (Eaton 36). In addition, families that have not opted for divorce have better and structured emotional support systems.
Methodology
Research Design
Since the proposed research is focused and dynamic, the researcher selected qualitative research using closed-ended questions. A ten-item online primary survey was selected to collect data. The rationale for qualitative research design was informed by the need to capture personal insight while guiding responses to establish a trend.
Sampling
The online survey consisted of 16 respondents, that is, 14 male and 2 female participants. The respondents were randomly selected using the snowballing technique to ensure even distribution and consistency. The online surveys were posted on a blog from which respondents logged in and filled the forms. In order to control the responses, the research used two to four-item response alternatives, depending on the nature of each question.
Data Analysis
Excel software and cross tabulation were used to code and analysis raw data collected. Data analysis involved coding each response independently into demographic and research relevant data sets. In order to avoid bias, the researcher used the generated raw data without any modification.
Findings and Analysis
Demographic Results
The response rate was 100%. Male and female respondents were 87.50% (14) and 12.50% (2), respectively (see chart 1). In terms of age, the predominant age group of respondents was between 18 to 30 years at 93.75% (see table 1).
Chart 1. Summary of respondents by number.Table 1. Summary of respondents by age.
Answers to Each Question
Do you know anybody that is divorced?
93.33% of the respondents were aware of people who have divorced while the rest provided a negative feedback (see chart 2).
Chart 2. Awareness of divorce.
Do you think that divorce should be harder to option?
50% of the respondents agreed that divorce should be harder to option while 14.29% of the respondents thought otherwise. The rest slightly agreed (see chart 3).
Chart 3. Opinion on making divorce harder.
Do you think the rate of divorce is increasing?
78.57% of the respondents think that the divorce rate is increasing while 14.29% were indifferent (see chart 4).
Chart 4. Increasing divorce rate.
What are the major causes of divorce?
42.86% of the respondents agreed that the husband, wife, and children are the major causes of divorce. 14.29% of the respondents blamed the husband while 21.43% blamed the wife and children (see chart 5).
Chart 5. Major causes of divorce.
What are the reasons for divorce?
71.43% of the respondents blamed family issues as causing divorce while 21.43% suggested stress. Only 7.14% of the respondents indicated other factors (see chart 6).
Chart 6. Reasons for divorce.
What are the options to stop divorce?
Problem discussion was identified by 57.14% of the respondents as an option for stopping divorce. 28.57% of the respondents suggested apology and admitting mistakes while 7.14% cited having another child and inviting a partner to a luxury dinner (see chart 7).
Chart 7. Options to stop divorce.
What are the benefits that the societies have when there are no divorces?
57.14% of the respondents indicated that the main benefit is keeping the family together while 28.57% suggested no conflict between families. The rest cited no heartbreaking (see chart 8).
Chart 8. Benefits when there are no divorces.
So should divorce be harder to get?
53.85% agreed that divorce should be harder to get while 23.08% were indifferent. The rest did not agree (see chart 9).
Chart 9. Opinion on making divorce harder.
The impacts of divorce identified by the respondents include broken families as couples are forced to live apart. This also subjects children to stress as they have to witness and live without one of the parents. Moreover, divorce is associated with a change in economic status as couples are made to divide their wealth or property (Scott et al. 141). The literature review indicated that increasing rate of divorce has put strain on the government resources channeled towards family upkeep and wellbeing. In addition, divorce is associated with increased single parenthood as many children are subjected to a stressful upbringing (Eaton 37). More than 60% of the respondents have suggested that divorce should be made harder to protect the disintegrating family institution. Moreover, the benefits associated with reduced divorce would increase and make the marriage institution stable.
Recommendations and Conclusion
Recommendations
Based on the above findings, there is a need to amend the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1973 to make the divorce process prolonged and tedious as a strategy for discouraging easy annulment of the marriage institution. For instance, expanding the fact sheet and elongating the separation period to five years would make the divorce process hard to go through (Gravningen et al. 15). Another recommendation is institutionalization of a conflict resolution department within the judicial system to attempt to bring the couple together, even during divorce proceedings (Figley 41). Moreover, strengthening of the family institution would improve conflict resolution and management of expectation between the couples. A stronger family institution would ensure that couples are supported during conflict to create an ideal environment for reconciliation (Eaton 39).
Conclusion
The research study has succeeded in establishing that divorce rate is on the rise and there is a need to curtail this trend. Through an online primary survey, the findings indicated that divorce is affecting the family institution by subjecting the separating couple to stress. The survey results conform to the findings in the literature review on the causes of divorce and a need to reduce it.
Works Cited
Eaton, Mariah. “Negative Effects of Divorce and Possible Intervention Program Development and Improvement.” The BYU Undergraduate Journal in Psychology, vol. 13, no. 1, 2018, pp. 34-48.
Figley, Charles. Divorce Therapy. Taylor & Francis, 2014.
Gravningen, Kirsten, et al. “Reported Reasons for Breakdown of Marriage and Cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the Third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3).” PLoS ONE, vol. 12, no. 3, 2017, Web.
Scott, Shelby, et al. “Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education.” Couple Family Psychology, vol. 2, no. 2, 2013, pp. 131-145.