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A Sexual Autobiography
An autobiography is a self-written account of the events that have taken place in one’s life (Pascal 1). A sexual autobiography on the other hand would be a personal investigation of the development of one’s sexual self. This composition tries to answer the question of ‘how did I become the sexual person I am today? According to Sidome and Watson, a sexual autobiography must consider personal development with reference to developmental theories and issues discussed in academics (p. 112). The sexual experiences in one’s life are influenced by an individual’s values, attitudes, beliefs, and behavior as experienced in intimate relationships with those around them. The composition below is my personal sexual autobiography. It provides a reflection on my sexual life from the stage of adolescence to my current relations and eventually touches on my perception of sexual associations. This essay begins with events before my birth. These experiences are worth including in my autobiography because I believe they have had an influence on my later life events and how I react to particular situations.
My sexual experiences have generally been shaped by my mother; a story I learned from the narration of a close relative. In the community in which I come from, relationships are not solely based on feelings of low. Many people have believed in superstitions about luck in marriage. Most families in the area are forced on each other as couples who have not even had a relationship. For instance, learning about my mother’s past, I realized that she was married to my father yet they had not even had any dates. The marriage was because their families wanted them to be together. Listening to my close relative describe how my mother survived in a loveless relationship, I felt that life was unfair to her because she was not given the chance to pick what she thought fit for her. To some extent, I become unhappy with the fact that I was born. However, as time passed, my views on sexuality changed. Presently, my view has transformed to believe that is not all about choosing who you want but rather it can be developed based on a long-lasting relationship because a couple can still work things out and move forward in love even when forced by those around them. Looking at my parents right now, I have seen each of them working hard to keep their marriage and have managed to successfully move forward in love.
‘Observing your mother through her pregnancy, I realized that all the shopping she made was for a boy because she preferred to have a son for her first pregnancy. At this narration, I knew that my family was extremely happy about my arrival as it would make their union even stronger. Both my parents always showed love to me and I got all the love I ever needed; perhaps the reason why I am still sexually inexperienced. Looking at my age mates now, I consider their childhood experiences to be different from mine. I realized that the reason why they are moving from one relationship to another is that most of them were never treated in a special way by their parents. For example, while I was called ‘daddy’ at home because my parents thought of me as a blessing, most of my friends were never called special names; a factor that has affected their sexual experiences. Because of the love and attention, I got from my parents, my adolescence period was not characterized by sexual desires and fantasies. I would be amazed at my friends who had such crazy feelings because I never felt them within me.
During adolescence, most of my friends would spend unlimited time with females as they increasingly talked about sexual fantasies and escapades. I did not get my body interested and so I never felt any crazy feelings in my body. Although I heard my friends speaking highly about sex, I never anticipated the first encounter because at home my mother always emphasized being satisfied with the love I got from home. Other than being satisfied with the love I got from my parents, I grew up in a society where HIV was a serious issue and was everywhere. With the distant relatives we lived with, a lot of them got affected. I saw the suffering and pain they went through and I became scared that I even refused to be around girls. It was later that I realized I was being stupid after being educated on HIV and how it is spread. Even after being educated, I did not wish to be in any relationship that was not founded on honesty and trust; attributes that I am yet to find among my potential. To shape my dislike for sexual relations, I personally saw a friend’s relationship broken because the girl was dating another man and my friend at the same time and even infected him with a deadly disease. This experience complicated my view on sexual relations.
As I mentioned earlier in this autobiography, I was initially wanted in my family especially by my mother because I was born a boy and my mother anticipated a boy. Therefore, as growing up, I had feelings of being wanted and appreciated since my mother openly expressed being pleased with me. Consequently, instead of looking for someone who would tell me how handsome and good-looking I was in my early childhood, I was busy spending time with my mother who would hold me in a way to feel loved and spoil me with words of affection. In addition, I did not have time to even wonder how intimacy occurs and the idea of having to undress in front of a woman scared me. My behavior and views towards sex at this time could be explained by the Operant conditioning theory by Skinner. According to Skinner, operant conditioning theory explains a method of learning that happens through rewards and punishments for a particular behavior (p. 3). Through operant conditions, one learns to associate a particular behavior with a specific consequence. For instance, during my adolescence stage and from the experience of living with HIV-infected persons, I came to associate sex with negative consequences such as sexually transmitted infections, heartbreaks, and pain from dishonest partners. Perhaps it is because of associating sex with negative experiences that I became less attracted to persons of the opposite sex and is much likely why I have zero sexual involvement.
Other than being born into a family that loved and appreciated me, my feelings towards sex were influenced by the fact that I was born in a Christian home. Interacting with my adolescent friends who got into risky sexual behaviors, I realized that most of their mothers dread having sex conversations with them. However, for my family, it was very essential to have this talk especially since there were sexual predators on every corner. When I got into adolescence, my mother in her usual behavior of showing love taught me about sex in the context of a loving marriage. Both my parents emphasized that sex is only meant for married couples. Just like the church I came from, my religion through the help of my parents instilled in me kingdom virtues by talking about God’s value for sex. Through my religion, I learned that God created sex to be experienced in the setting of Holy Matrimony and when in marriage it can be a source of great pleasure. By doing this, my religion through the help of my parents taught me to manage my sexual desires until I got into a loving marriage. Instead of telling me how sex is an ‘evil’ or ‘dirty’ thing, my parents emphasized how sex is a beautiful thing that God designed to be between a husband and a wife who wants to be closer and build trust in their marriage.
My religion and family beliefs helped also in shaping my current sexual attitudes which are similar to that of my parents. With the information on God’s intention about sex, my sexual attitude has been the same presently compared to the past. One sociological theory that can be used to describe my lack of experience in sex today is the symbolic interaction theory. Symbolic interactionism is a term invented by Blumer with the purpose of describing sociological and social psychological thoughts about self (Blumer). According to this theory, the self is a reflection of society and its relationship with society. Interactionists developed this theory with a focus on the meanings associated with sexual orientation and sexuality (Brickell 417). Consequently, because of the constant communication with my parents and members of my religion, my current stance on sex is a product of learning what is expected of me by God. Therefore, because I am not yet married, I will stay inexperienced until the right time that God designed for me to engage in sex reaches.
Living in a religious society, being appreciated by my family, and seeing the negative consequences people go through when they engage in premarital or extramarital affairs gave me lots of realistic experiences that have continued to shape my attitudes towards sex. If I were to be put in the position of my relatives and friends who have suffered, fortunately, I would still know what to do. Through all these experiences, I have learned one thing; that sex was not designed to bring with it negative consequences but rather peace and unity among two people who have been joined together. If I had to make a decision, I would prefer to stay inexperienced than to go against the will of God and the lessons I got from my parents.
In my opinion, people at any age could decide to experience new things in dating but unless a couple is intimate in God’s design, penile-vaginal intercourse could bring negative consequences. As a student in college where intimate relationships are everywhere, I believe sex is not important unless two individuals are just getting to know each other. It is unfortunate that the media is spreading a message on safe sex, asking youths to engage in safe/protected sex without letting them know that their sex situation could get worse if it is not in line with the principles of the kingdom. Safe sex should not be the basis of any sexual topics but rather the consequences of engaging in sex early should be taught more not to scare youths from sexual activities but to let them know their worth.
As for me, sex does not need to be at the center of any relationship and I wish every young and unmarried person would know that. However, after sitting and communicating with my parents, I realize that my understanding of sexuality is exceptional. As a man, I know I am expected to be masculine enough by satisfying the sexual needs of my partner. With this expectation, I will continue to be patient until the right time, to avoid useless disappointments. Therefore, good sex first begins by knowing what is right and valuing oneself by waiting for God ordained time. As I have discussed above, my mother really took her time to educate me not about sexual partners or sex itself or contraceptives but on Kingdom principles. Because we were very close, she did not just tell me about how bad the act was without going into details. It is these details that have helped preserve myself from heartbreaks, sexually transmitted infections, and the abusive nature of relationships I have seen people close to me go through.
Works Cited
- Blumer, Herbert. Social Psychology, In Emerson P. Schmidt, ed., Man and Society. New York: Prentice-Hall, 1937.
- Brickell, Chris. A Symbolic Interactionist History of Sexuality. Rethinking History, vol. 10, no. 3; 2006, pp. 415-432.
- Pascal, Roy. Design and Truth in Autobiography. Cambridge, Harvard University Press, 1960.
- Sidome, Smith. & Watson, Julia. (eds), Women, Autobiography, Theory: A Reader, Madison, 1998.
- Skinner, Burrhus. Fredrick. The Behavior of organisms: An experimental analysis. New York: Appleton-Century, 1938.
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