I wrote a draft for the paper, but this is what the professor said below I hope

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I wrote a draft for the paper, but this is what the professor said below I hope

I wrote a draft for the paper, but this is what the professor said below I hope you can help me with it.
Dear Saleem,
Thank you for posting your Essay #2 draft. I do see a few issues. First, I wish rather than just attaching your draft you had provided some context. For example, because the topic is completely different from the topic you wrote about in the Discussion Board #4 peer activity, explaining why you chose a different topic would have been useful. Another problem related to changing the paper’s topic is that you are no longer fully engaged in the revision process because you are not building on your peer’s or my response to DB #4 work, decreasing full points for revision.
To address the draft: For the final draft, present an arguable position as a thesis statement. You have stated, “This research endeavors to unravel the intricate layers of the matrix-like effect created by the Internet and social media, shedding light on the transformative forces at play in our increasingly interconnected and digitized reality.” This statement suggests the paper is exploratory rather than argumentative. No position is asserted. The following statement, which appears toward the end of page two could be a thesis statement and seems to better prepare the reader for the majority of your paragraphs that show the hazards of social media:
While the positive impacts of technology on our lives are undeniable, it is equally important to recognize the negative repercussions that accompany these advancements. Social media companies, in particular, are actively designing applications to be increasingly addictive, exposing users to content that entices them to spend an unhealthy amount of time on their phones.
It would seem that the paragraph on the benefits of “Simply Sayin'” would be better in a counterargument position preceding the conclusion to show an opposing view, i.e., benefits, which you would then point out exist but that we cannot ignore the many problems. Accordingly, for revision restructure the essay so the body paragraphs directly connect to an arguable thesis.
Comments on citation and sources:
Khayrullina’s and Norton’s articles do not pass the CRAAP test that the librarian discussed on 11/13 and we followed up with in an in-class exercise on 11/20. (See PowerPoint in Course Materials.)
You are often using APA citations in text although as discussed in class, MLA does not cite years parenthetically.
Example from your work:
According to Rozgonjuk (2020), ‘FOMO’ (Fear of Missing Out) has been associated with learning-related factors, such as a more superficial approach to studying and procrastination.
You don’t need the year here. Another point for this source is that your Works Cited entry shows a page number, so you must provide the page number where you found this point in the in-text citation. MLA is an author-location system. (Location means page number when available.) APA is an author-year-location system. Please review the Introduction to MLA in Assignments or consult online guidelines like these: https://columbiacollege-ca.libguides.com/MLA9
LibGuides: MLA Citation Guide (9th Edition): Welcome
LibGuides: MLA Citation Guide (9th Edition): Welcome
columbiacollege-ca.libguides.com
Be sure that the author you cite in-text begins the Works Cited entry.
Example: For instance, Instagram’s Reels video service is engineered to curate streams of short videos based on the system’s determination of user interests, spanning topics like sports, fashion, or humor (Horowitz, 2023).
Your Works Cited entry should begin with Horowitz rather than Blunt.
Be sure to alphabetize the Works Cited list.
If you have questions about the above feedback, please let me know. As a reminder, the due date for the final draft is 12/20.
Sandra Holy

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