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Introduction
As I sat down to write this I thought about all the other families I know and realized that most families are less than fully functional, but mine will likely never recover, because the dysfunctionality will never be acknowledged. With all the multitude of information available to us via the Internet and in schools, one tenet remains constant, that recognition of a problem is the first necessary step. Without that, nothing can be done.
Main text
Our family was a typical nuclear family of father, mother and three children. The family is of mixed Irish and Mexican races, with an Irish father and a Mexican mother, but this was never an issue. Mama’s ethnicity is exotic in our town and she was educated, so she was of the higher middle class. We were middle income, middle class and completely dysfunctional due to a biologically based neuropsychological disorder known as bipolar disease or manic depression.
It has gone undiagnosed, because my mother, the main victim, has never seen the problem and father refuses to see it. For my mother it is like the hole in the roof, which does not leak when the sun shines, and which cannot be fixed while it rains. When she is feeling great, nothing needs fixing and she can whip the world. When she is down it doesn’t matter, because she should never have been born or she is so angry(mostly this) that nothing else matters. Our father cannot admit to the possibility and maybe influence mother to get help, because he only sees the stigma attached to a “mental disease”, and insists that mother is perfectly fine, just a little high strung.
Mother’s manic-depression seems to cycle quite fast, often every few days or even daily, at times. I have researched the condition and there are so many physical and emotional triggers that it is almost impossible to figure out the triggers when the cycle is very fast. Manic depression can have cycled from hours to years, and the research has not identified either a cause or a cure. However, medication and understanding can regulate the symptoms. It is also hereditary, so I shall be on the lookout for symptoms in myself. However, it is possible that it skipped me, since symptoms generally set in at puberty.
Our house was never peaceful, even when Mama was feeling good, because my father stayed stressed, though he would never admit it. Our parents both worked, so we never did without the necessities and we had some luxuries, but “family” time was more like an ongoing battle. Mama needed control over everything, and dad willingly relinquished it. However, we children needed to acquire control for ourselves and this was a huge struggle.
In some ways our family was highly adaptable, since we always had to adapt to changing dynamics as Mama’s emotional state changed. Of first order tasks, Mama and Dad did the financial tasks, and all of the household tasks until I was about 8 and my sister was almost 11. Then we started to help with cooking, cleaning, laundry and some shopping. By this time we also took care of our own hygiene, and helped each other with homework. Our maintenance resources changed with Mama’s moods. (We seem to have complementary talents.) We all knew the overt rules and we all knew the meta-rules and the covert rules. One set had to do with boundaries
Our external boundaries were that nobody ever spoke of Mama’s “moodiness” outside the family. Our internal boundaries changed with Mama’s moods. When she was feeling good we could ask for anything we wanted and get it. When she was feeling bad she would get angry at anything or stay in bed with a headache. For second-order tasks, my sister and I cooperated in keeping each other apprised of Mama’s state, so we would know what to do. When we were very young we used to compete, but we learned that we could lessen our punishment by cooperating. In many ways, in spite of the changing dynamics within the family we were caught in a morphosyntactic state, unable to progress beyond mere survival strategy. That was our family theme.
Our behavioral strategies developed as we children learned to adapt. My sister and I included our little brother into our circle for mutual protection as soon as he was old enough to be bribed and then eventually just because he learned, or developed the cognitive coping strategies to realize it was advantageous to cooperate. Our father sometimes fought back with Mama, but mostly he disappeared when she got mad. Within the entire family we were enmeshed, since Mama wanted total control over who we became, but within our subsystem of siblings we were cooperative but disengaged. We took advantage of our differentiation and individual talents to make life easier for all of us, as a group.
My little brother could lie with impunity, because he looked so innocent, so he made an excellent witness. I was the problem solver. When we needed something I made the plans. My sister was the inventive one who could make my resolutions work when something went wrong. Non-normative stressor events for us were resolved in this way. It was especially useful when a Non-normative stressor event happened when Mama was not feeling good. Our whole family boundaries were impermeable as far as the external boundaries were concerned, but permeable within the family as stress increased or decreased.
Our socio-economic status has always been solid middle class, as we had sufficient income for a home, some entertainment, a car, some extracurricular activities and hobbies, so we did have those outlets. We were always well above the poverty line, but never rich. Our town really only has two classes, as we don’t have many rich people, but there are those who are “cultured” and those who are not. It’s more taste than anything. Our dad likes sports and Mama loves the symphony, but she plays Spanish music when he is not around. He likes the Spanish-Mexican food, but hates the “caterwauling” of the music. We all learned Spanish, since she was able to help, at least when she felt good.
Otherwise we helped each other. That’s about the limit of our family’s cultural diversity. The gap in our family is not generational, but I think more educational. We kids eventually learned why Mama was such a …..moody person, but Dad will not listen at all, and we don’t dare talk about it to Mama, because it might trigger a “down” spiral.
There were clear boundaries between us and our parents, and we were careful seldom to be caught overtly breaking that. However, Mama could be counted on to side with us if we wanted a privilege or an outing when she felt good and Dad could be manipulated when she was feeling bad, because he preferred to escape until she felt better and took whatever excuse was available. Out adaptability as children helped us to escape the more harsh consequences and conflict once we were old enough to strategize our behavior.
I guess we were really manipulative, but it worked. That alliance is still in force, even though we have all moved out. Every holiday we have one of us who either does not show up or leaves early. We never discuss it, and we take turns. That way somebody always has a really good holiday. Once in a while we all stay together for the entire holiday, but those occasions are rare, since we cannot escape Mama’s mood swings, and they get worse with age.
Summary
I don’t know what kind of families we will create, but we will watch out for each other, especially watching for signs of manic depression. Dad stays with Mama and they fight more than ever before, but they do love each other. I just wish Dad could get past his prejudice and get Mama to a doctor. But I think it is too late for that. My sister has been sending Mama dietary supplements with herbal remedies, like Wort something, and it seems to help. I don’t know. I am ashamed to say that I am glad I don’t have to live there anymore.
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NB: All your data is kept safe from the public.