Thinking Sex: Understanding Your Sexuality

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Sexuality is still one of the most controversial areas in the western world. There are many rules, conventions and prejudices which divide people into two major camps: those who think sex is nothing more than a basic need which should be satisfied and those who think it is something sinful. Many think that sexuality is not even an important issue to consider while others understand the importance of finding answers to certain questions (Rubin 143).

As far as I am concerned, I have not spent much time thinking about my own sexuality. I have not paid much attention to the issue as I thought it was quite insignificant. In fact, this is the very first time I am considering the issue with such a precision and I find it very important and beneficial for me. I think sexuality is a very important part of people’s life and it influences people’s behavior.

I feel I need to understand what sexuality is in my life. I need to know what role it plays in my life. I want to understand what I should expect in my future. Of course, it is necessary to answer certain questions to understand what role sexuality plays in my life. These questions are as follows:

How was affection expressed in my family? Does this affect me now?
How did I learn about sexuality? How did I feel about it then? Today?
How was nudity treated in my family?
How have my sexual relationship experiences affected me?
Do I think I understand my sexual self as well as I would like?

Interestingly, many people argue that Freud was an insane as he paid too much attention to childhood experiences. Nonetheless, when it comes to sexuality, parents’ behavior plays a very important role in sexual development of an individual.

Thus, somehow I do not remember how exactly affection was expressed in my family when I was a child. I do not remember that my parents hugged me very often. I cannot recollect the times when parents kissed me. I think this is the reason I do not like kissing and embracing other people. The only people I like kissing and hugging are my two sons and my husband. In fact, I noticed that I can hug and kiss children (my sons, my niece or even completely unknown kids) and the man I have sexual relationship with.

At this point, it is important to note that children should be placed in a very special place as my eagerness to kiss and hug them is nothing more than a maternal instinct. It does not mean I do not kiss or hug anyone. If a person tries to hug me, I will not protest and I will not start telling about my theories. However, I do not feel comfortable when kissing or hugging other people with some exceptions (mentioned above).

I think the reason for this feature of my character lies in the terrain of my childhood experiences. I am simply unaccustomed to kiss and hug other people. Sometimes this feature of character makes my close people feel uncomfortable. I have started noticing that my mother now tends to kiss and hug me very often. I do not protest but I feel there is something wrong with that. I also believe some of my relatives think I do not like them as I do not like kissing and hugging them.

What is more, I think this feature of mine has influenced the way I feel about sexuality and sex. I do not think I am ready to let a stranger touch me. I feel that there should be a very special connection between me and the other person to make me eager to embrace him/her.

Perhaps, I feel certain lack of parental (especially paternal love) and this makes me feel trust towards the man I love. I have heard that massage is so popular nowadays as people do not hug or even touch each other. This may be true in my case. I feel I try to remove the lack of embraces in my past by hugging my husband all the time.

Some may think I am quite a reserved person. Some may even think I am a very conservative person in terms of sexual relationships. This is quite true to certain extent. I do not like emphasizing my sexuality. I do not think I can be a sexual liberal. However, I do not condemn any sexual relationship. I do not condemn people who have lots of partners. In bed with my husband I am quite free. I think roots of this kind of duality can be found in my childhood as well. The way I learnt about sexuality has affected development of my character, too.

Sex was never discussed in my family. It was some kind of a silent taboo. My mother talked to me about sex (or even about the necessity to be ‘careful’) when I was 13, right after I told her that I had had my first menstruation. Of course, this was quite a belated conversation as I had already known quite a lot on the subject. We had classes on anatomy at school.

We learned about female and male bodies and we also learned about pregnancy. However, I would not call that a sexuality education. It was only about people’s bodies. I do not consider this knowledge valuable for my sexual development, or especially my first acquaintance with sexuality.

I guess I learnt a lot about sexuality while reading romance novels. I read a lot of this kind of books at the age of 12. There were many episodes which made me feel rather weird. Of course, even then I understood that the state I sometimes found myself in was excitement.

I have to admit I liked the feeling. It is also important to note that I have fertile imagination. I pictured all those scenes when the main characters were kissing and making love. I should also admit that I did not have a particular vision of the sexual intercourse itself (especially the penetration part). Nonetheless, I am sure that I had my first acquaintance with sexuality when I was reading these books.

As has been mentioned above sex was a kind of a taboo in our family so I could not watch sex scenes when my parents were watching TV. It is also necessary to note that the majority of films I watched with my parents as the rest of the day I was busy with my studies and extracurricular activities. Thus, I could not see those scenes on TV, but I could only imagine them.

I think it is also important to mention the specific attitude towards nudity. My mother could change in the same room with me. She did not hide her breasts when she was changing clothes (like I always do now). However, I have never seen my father naked. The only time he was half-dressed was the time we spent on a beach. I believe this also affected me.

Thus, I have often felt uncomfortable when I saw a naked man (on TV). In fact, I do not like watching pornography and I do not find male genitals that attractive (some of my female friends find these organs stunning). However, I like looking at an attractive female body. This even made me think I was a lesbian.

I do not think I feel more comfortable looking at a female body because I am a female myself (I do not like looking at my own body). I think this is all connected with the distant years of my childhood when I was accustomed to see a female body and never saw a male body.

I do not think that influenced my sexual orientation but I guess this contributed greatly to my sexuality. I know that I will feel uncomfortable even if I will need to undress in front of another man (I cannot even imagine that I can have sex with another man).

In fact, I thought it would be difficult for me to have sex, in the first place. I would not say I was really conservative when I was a teenager but I did not have sex until I was almost 20. I thought I was the last virgin in the world. When I met my future husband he was a very nice young man, so I thought it was high time to become a woman. I cannot say I had really serious feelings to the young man but we did it and it was very nice. I can say that my first sexual experience was successful. I often think that I could dislike sex (just as some of my friends do) if my first experience was not that pleasant.

Though I cannot say I passionately loved my husband when we first made love, I can say that now I love him very much and there is very special connection between us. Now I see sex as a way to bring joy to my husband and enjoy the act myself. I do not think that sex is one of everyday tasks like eating or sleeping. I think sex is possible between people who have a specific emotional connection. I guess all the factors mentioned above contributed greatly to my sexual development.

I think now I understand my sexual self quite well. I understand that I belong to people who accept that the issues concerning sexuality cannot be analyzed in black and white (Rubin 167). I know that I accept sexual freedom if it does not hurt anyone. However, I remain quite conservative when it comes to myself and my relationships with other people.

Of course, it is important to note that there is quite a lot to be learnt. I believe I will find out more about myself in the course of time. In fact, I think each year will bring more knowledge about my sexual self. However, at present I am quite satisfied with what I already know. I know why I am quite reserved. I know what I can expect and what I want to get from my sexual partner. Finally, I know that my sometimes ‘weird’ behavior has certain explanation. I feel quite comfortable since I know that my sexual behavior is based on my childhood experiences.

Works Cited

Rubin, Gayle S. “Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality.” Culture, Society and Sexuality. Ed. Richard Parker and Peter Aggleton. Philadelphia, PA: Routledge, 1999. 143-179. Print.

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Thinking Sex: Understanding Your Sexuality

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