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Hi this is a revision please see feed back below from instructor and I will subm
Hi this is a revision please see feed back below from instructor and I will submit original submission
Feedback to Learner
September 23, 2023
(Please review the standard format of business correspondence. Here, you need a salutation. Review this in the textbook you downloaded for class and/or the sample that was included in the readings for this assignment. This is important: Readers are very much aware of small, subtle things like this.)
Cover Letter for Administrative Supervisor at Penn Medicine
Dear Ms. :
I recently came across an advert on monster.com about a potential opening at your organization for an administrative services supervisor (Where was this? When was this posted? Please review the instructions for this assignment and where to find listings. Please give either the date the listing was posted (which is preferable) or the date you saw the listing. Many companies have multiple listings posted and specifying will make it easier for them to reference the right opening.). The opening interests me due to your organization’s reputation and stature in the community (Too vague – also, this is a bit off-topic. Please review the readings. Your thesis paragraph is very, very important and will more often than not determine whether readers continue on to read your cover letter and even review your resume. That’s why it’s of the utmost importance that you provide a solid summary of your highest level of education and your work experience here. You’ll of course elaborate in the paragraphs ahead.). I am writing to apply for the position, considering I possess the requisite professional experience and educational background.
Do a better job summarizing both your education and work experience in your thesis paragraph.
Recruiters are overworked and busy. If you do not grab their attention in your thesis paragraph, chances are your application will get shuffled off to the bottom of a large stack of papers.
Seize the opportunity to summarize your strong points, education and background here. See the notes above and the readings on Blackboard for this assignment.
My professional background is a testament to my abilities (Work to sharpen this by being more specific. A better topic sentence here summarizes how the main focus in this paragraph (the job you held) figures in your overall career plans. You can mention skills you developed there or how you have picked up good habits such as multitasking or time management. Remember, though, that you want to include some of the most impressive things here in your topic sentence.) . I am currently working at Montefiore Medical Center as an administrative supervisor (Give readers a more focused, specific summary of your duties here. Also be sure to tell readers what department or part of the organization you work in.). My tenure since 2016 has been characterized by an absolute purity of purpose and determination to manage key administrative activities (Overstated and vague – please rethink this. Avoid puffy language and look to impress readers with detail. See the notes that follow this paragraph.). I actively oversee the patient registration process to ensure efficient delivery of medical services. I believe that this role aligns with your mission of doling out the highest level of care to patients. Additionally, I collaborate with the finance team and insurance entities to obtain surgical authorizations. The collaboration is marked by clear lines of communication seminal in reducing confusion and enhancing alignment toward patient care.
Add more detail about your work experience. Even if it is not directly related to the position, it will give prospective employers more information on your strengths as an employee or supervisor. It will shed light on your responsibility, your dependability, your dedication, your ability to manage time, and your close attention to how your role contributes to an organization’s overall success.
Identify your employers more fully – tell readers what type of companies or organizations these were, what they did and where in New York they were located.
Specify what type of clientele did the companies or organizations serve.
Gather numbers – you might include employees, years in business, most recent annual sales, number of locations.
Finally, be sure to add details on your duties, hours, what you learned from the job and how you contributed.
In terms of education, I have an associate of arts degree from Bronx Community College and currently working at my bachelor’s (In what?) at Lehman College A far better topic sentence for a paragraph that centers on your education summarizes just how your Lehman education makes you a strong candidate for the job. An alternative is to mention what key skills you have learned or experience you’ve gathered at Lehman make you a good candidate. Please return to the guidance on Blackboard for ideas on how to do this.). My associate degree gave me the necessary background and skills revolving around team leadership, staff supervision, and operations management (First, summarize your Lehman education since it is of greater importance in the eyes of your readers. Also, provide much more detail here. A far better topic sentence for a paragraph that centers on your education summarizes just how your Lehman education makes you a strong candidate for the job. An alternative is to mention what key skills you have learned or experience you’ve gathered at Lehman make you a good candidate. Please return to the guidance on Blackboard for ideas on how to do this.). As described in my resume, I have pursued courses like MD Everywhere and Medisprout (What are these? Please be more specific and do not force readers to guess.) which enhanced my problem-solving and conflict-resolution capabilities. I would like to apply these abilities at Penn Medicine.
•&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ; Please return to the readings and guidance for this assignment.
•&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ; Look to add more details, numbers, specifics here about your education.
•&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ; When do you expect to complete the degree?
•&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ; Does it make sense include your grade point average out of the highest possible number for either your major or overall? Did you receive any scholarships, awards, memberships, distinctions?
•&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ; Can you mention your average class or credit load per semester or a range of between x number of credits and x number of credits – that’s important if you worked full-time while attending school full-time.
•&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ;&νβσπ; Also are there any special or advanced classes you’ve taken that are worth mentioning?
Nonetheless, I surmise I will fit in perfectly in your organization. I am available for an interview and discussion regarding capabilities. Feel at ease to contact me through my email and phone number. I have attached my resume for further review.
Yours Faithfully,
Cover Letter for Clinical Resource Director at Methodist Hospital Specialty and Transplant
Dear Mr. Summers, (Please see the feedback and commentary for your first letter – it is equally applicable here.)
I learned from monster.com about an opening for a clinical resource director at your firm. I am writing to apply for the position because your hospital is renowned for its focus on care provision and quality processes.
I am fully qualified for the position based on my 15+ years of experience managing vital administrative activities. I am an admin supervisor at the Department of Surgery in Montefiore Medical Center. While satisfying, I feel that I can be of use to your organization. I am adept at billing, as elucidated in my resume working at Mount Sinai West, where I eliminated errors by analyzing pertinent documents and corrected discrepancies with reconciliation. My experience at the organization was useful in preparing me to undertake key roles such as conducting financial analyses utilizing clinical product value frameworks to balance cost and reimbursement. Additionally, I possess top-tier communication skills that allow me to establish collaborative relationships with colleagues and patients.
My background as an Arts Major can also prove valuable to your firm. I gained knowledge and insight regarding patient engagement and team leadership. At the end, I was able to redefine my approach to healthcare management and also apply my skills to better my current and previous work settings.
In summation, my experience and professionalism makes me a viable asset to your organization. I look forward to having a sit-down where we can discuss my legibility for the position. Feel at ease to contact me through my email and phone number. I have attached my resume for further review.
Yours Faithfully,
Grade – C
It is strongly recommended that you review the feedback notes above, return to go over the readings and guidance for this assignment once again and work on a revision in order to possibly receive a higher grade on this assignment. Revisions are not due until the end of the course but can help to cancel out lower grades. Please see the revision policy in the syllabus for ENW 300.
Detail – C-/D
If you want the opportunity to interview for a job and ultimately get hired, you will need to provide more detail and specific information on your work experience and education in your application letters. Recruiters are busy people and not very likely to hunt for details in your resume. It is your obligation to point out your strongest points and provide employers details that will bolster your candidacy. Think of your cover letter as an opportunity to direct a reader’s examination of your resume. If your cover letter impresses, recruiters will take the next step to review your resume. Additionally, it would be good for you to do a web search to find out what the companies do in order to show your interest. Try to make connections between your background, experience and abilities and what the companies you are writing to do.
Organization – C
Please read over the material posted for this assignment. Put yourself in your readers’ shoes. Think about what recruiters will need to see to consider your potential candidacy strongly. Make a list of jobs, schools or other experiences you have that will make a strong case. Work on a thesis paragraph that better summarizes the main point of your text. What you have here does not really provide a good summary that would give readers a sense of what’s to come. Think of paragraphs that may focus on (1) your education as a whole; (2) your work experience as a whole; or (3) specific jobs or experiences you’ve had that stand out and should be highlighted. You should then outline. Think over what topics (your education or work experience) that would make the greatest impression. You’ll want to move those particular paragraphs higher in your text. In the ending paragraph, you can rework your thesis or opening paragraph.
Grammar/Mechanics – B-
Please keep your text simple and to the point. Rely on that as your best way to communicate ideas. You have the ability to write simple, clean, clear, and grammatical sentences, but there are a number of times when you try too hard to “puff” up your text. Resist the temptation to inflate or trump up your text with fancy wording or complex sentence structures. That is a strategy that backfires more often than not. Instead, use details and explanations to make a strong impression with readers. When you feel the urge to overstate or “pump up” what you have to say, take that as a prompt to step back and think of ways to incorporate more numbers, specifics, explanations and other important details.
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